When I was in Florida, I missed this season the most — well, second most.
Green leaves turn to red, brown, and yellow.   The limbs are barren.   Corn, once nurtured to be tall and strong, is swept away, much like death taking our own – stalk by stalk.  Life by life.

During this time of year, it’s difficult not to think that there’s something bigger at work.  There’s a reason why the leaves fall in a certain pattern.  A master’s hand curls back the vines.  It’s impossible to tell and logically doesn’t make since, but the feeling… the anticipation… the earth’s sigh in recognition that the growing is done and now, finally, it’s time to rest.

There’s little reason why Persephone was created.  A goddess of the earth and queen of hell, she allowed growth and pulled it back into the depths when she pleased.  Jack Frost carefully paints designs on blistery days.  Father Time every steps closer to the death bed.

But,…  I have no idea where I’m going with this.  =)
Writing practice, I guess.  I hadn’t done much else today.  Half-way troubled about the cancer doc tomorrow.

Well, maybe that’s where this is coming from.  Once, I was a peaceful pagan.  Life, the seasons, everything was accepted.  Everything, much like echoed in churches, happens for a reason.   There’s a ‘bigger’ plan for all of us.

Somewhere along my timeline, I tossed out that idea.  The idea of someone being in control, rather a god or goddess, reeked of the lack accountability and weak excuses.  “It’s not our fault people died during the hurricane.   That’s the will of <insert higher force name in here>.  We do what we can to help, but, if not, it wasn’t meant to be.  As long as some morale code was half satisfied, people could sleep easy at night.

I reject that.  Do or be damned, I am responsible for what I do and what I say.  Yes, I’m influenced by culture and context, but when balls hit the wall – it’s all me.   It’s not a higher power pushing or intentionally causing harm.  I am the center of my own universe.  My environment bends to me – not to an invisible hand that guides the leaves.

So, I’m very frustrated.  Part of my environment is my body.  I’m still learning how to control the eating/overeating thing – yes, but I will control it.  No doubt.   It might just take me a little while.

This cancer that has invaded me is inexcusable.   I don’t want it.   I didn’t invite it.  How dare this sneaky little invader do this to me.   How did it?  Why did it?  How can I keep it from happening again?

And that’s the core.
How can I never lose control over myself again?

Silly.  Stupid.   There’s genetics and environmental factors and blahblahblah…  but that’s for other people.   Those people need to be supported.  Helped.  Sympathized with.  But not me.   Never me.

Superiority complex?  Yeah, maybe.
I shouldn’t be the one who ever ever evereverever needs to be taken care of.   That’s not my role in life.   I — choose — it not to be.  And, what I say goes for me.

But, anyway, here I am.
I guess this is the way some goddess reminds me of humility.  A god is laughing with beer in his beard.

Yeah…. whatever.
Cancer isn’t going to control me.  I have cancer.  Cancer doesn’t have me.  This is just one more trial – one more test – and I’m not going to bow my head and ask for forgiveness.  I am not going to surrender.  Since cancer has been forced upon me, I will control that to.

So suck it deities – wherever and whatever you may be.
I got this.

You’re gonna have to do better.