I had planned in my little head that I was going to the gym around 7am.  Hang out until 11ish.   Get something to eat and then catch Murder on the Orient Express.  The truck keys and Propel where right next to the door so I wouldn’t forget.   The movie started at 1:50.

I consider this a ‘me’ treat.   The cancer removal is on Monday and I wanted to spoil myself a little bit that doesn’t include spending a lot of money or eating something very unhealthy.   That’s important to me.  My morals won’t let me spend money or have an all-out celebration while there’s bill due and I don’t gain a physical net value from it.

—  Yeah, this makes me kind of a cheap date.  If I was gainfully employed, I’d be different and sitting in the front row of a Trans Siberian Orchestra concert wearing an expensive cashmere sweater that I promised long ago.   I could charge it, but the lasting credit card payback isn’t worth a couple of hours of enjoyment.   You’d think this would be an attitude to be favored, but it’s caused a lot more trouble than you know.

—  Holy crap.   I just checked out ticket prices for Trans Siberian at the Indy Dec 20th concert.  The most expensive is $8668.   A pair of them would almost pay off my student loan.   It’d be a descent new car.   Damn.  Who buys this stuff? — except for me, if I had the cash.

Anyways… That’s what I had planned: a cheap date for myself.
I started off well.  I woke up at 5am.  Got dressed… and promptly went back to sleep.   I didn’t move until around 11am.  That’s the second latest I’ve slept that I can recall in forever.  So, I haven’t gone anywhere.

Instead of sweating on the treadmill, I’ve stalked ResetEra for no particular reason.  I caught up my class a little and wrote tons of notes on the struggling few assignments that have come in.  I’ve toyed around with Gems and have drunk a near embarrassing amount of hot chocolate.

So, this day isn’t going the way I’ve planned.  The old me would have been furious at myself.  I don’t plan ‘me’ dates often and when I do so, there’s a justifiable reason.  In this case, it was the operation.   It’s exceedingly difficult for me to do something ‘just because.’  It’s even more difficult for me to take action when there — is — a justifiable reason.  I’ve always been this way, unless there’s someone else involved.

If someone else is having a difficult time, wants something, or if I feel she or he needs to be spoiled, I’ll go over the top.   I’ll do my best to get them what they desire and more.. within reason.  But, even then, “within reason” is still quite a bit.

On the other hand, I am distinctly uncomfortable when someone tries to take me on a date or even buy a present… even as little as a sandwich or a pen.  Despite their well-wishes and affection, I become consumed with guilt that someone spent money on me and set themselves back when it wasn’t needed.   – Never “probably” wasn’t needed.  It’s never needed.

You’d think that my attitude would make holidays a lot easier.  It does, to a certain extent, but the precious “just because” tokens are abhorred.  You know, a boy might buy his girl a single rose “just because.”  Those kind of little gift are for me to give, not for me to get.

You’d think this wouldn’t be a problem, right?  Relationships go on.   Gift giving isn’t required, but it actually causes a boundary.  But, eventually, I don’t want to give “just because” gifts in fear that the person may do the same thing.  It shouldn’t be this way.  It causes a weird and intangible separation between people.

Giving and receiving is a form of communication.  It needs to be interchangeable.   It’s not a form of currency.  Rather, it’s appreciation.   One-sided gift exchange creates a power-struggle that may not be best for a relationship.

I can think about this objectively.   I acknowledge it, to an extent, but it’s still difficult.  I’m not sure how jump this shark, but it may explain why I’m not upset at myself for missing my workout/movie treat.

Maybe I don’t have the energy.  Maybe I can’t make the effort.  Or, maybe, I just don’t care enough to care.

Of course, it could just be I overslept.