Monday was the operation.
I was kicked out of the hospital on Tuesday.
Two weeks until I know if I’m 100% cancer free.
—  I have a pretty good feeling about it.  I think I am.
I’m just kind of owie right now.  The scar hurts.  The puncture wounds from the operation are tender and I think I pulled a shoulder.   It tends to hurt more than the other areas.

Other than that, I’m feeling okay-ish.  There’s just a lot going on and I’m trying to take everything in stride without resorting to an imbalanced hormonal slug fest.  Easy does it.  Hopefully, I’ll have some replacements and the hot flashes will stop and I won’t have to bite my tongue so much.

Since I’ve had plenty of time for reflection, it has occurred to me that I spend a lot of time binging when I’m low.  Yesterday was a fair example.   I had an entire day to myself.  Sure, I couldn’t leave the house because of the surgical mutilation, but I didn’t have any work to do.   I didn’t have anything to grade.   I had an entire day, almost like a day, of homebound free time.  When does this really happen?  When have I not wished upon a star for days like these.

What did I do or, rather, what I didn’t do.  I didn’t read one of my many novels on my personal waiting list.  I did not watch Your Name or other movies that I have waiting to see for a long time.   I did not write here, a letter, or even in my journal.

Rather, I binged.  I cat slept the day away while some show called Salem ran almost constantly all day.  When I woke, I would catch part of an episode, try to link it to the last fragment I saw, and would go back to sleep.
—  It’s amazing how much I can piece together from a show just by these fragments.   I might watch it awake at some point, but I get the gist.   This is probably why some students listen to lectures while they’re sleeping.

I was really binging… something that most people take for granted or accept.  Binging on certain things seems to be socially expected in some circles, but it’s so unnatural.

To finally have the time, the sacred time, to check off a couple of wants off a list – to feel like I’m making some personal progress…. and I throw the day away, which is like what I’m doing today.

It’s unnatural.  It’s not like me at all.
There’s always something to do.  There is never an excuse for nothing.  Nothing is just nothing.  It is never something.  At least, not for me.

And, right now, there’s few things I want more than to crawl under the covers, start playing that stupid show again, and sleep.   Binge.

Come to the dark side.  We have cookies.

Yeah, I know this isn’t a big deal.  As one of the shrinks said, it doesn’t matter.  What I want to do will still be there tomorrow.   But that’s the point.
–  Why aspire or plan for anything when people are trained or believe that it is perfectly acceptable to be still.   Instead of binging on life, progress, and ambitions, it is okay to just ‘take it easy’ when there’s only so much free time we have… and only so much time on Earth.

Blame it on the pain meds, but why is it acceptable to just become a blank  – a non-person – a binger – when so much time, love, and effort is spent in trying to be someone and not someone’s lump?

I don’t know.  First world probs, blah, blah, blah.
I guess it’s just easier to plan and complain than to actually take action.

It is what it is, right?

I’m going to take a nap.