I stay in correspondence with one of my House sisters from last year.  She was with partially with me during my three month intensive stay and I like to think that we’ve grown closer after our ordeal than what we were during.   This woman is probably one of the most nice and devout Christians that I know.   –  Devout without being insanely close-minded.  I trust that her intentions are always good – and that says a lot coming from someone like me who usually think people are just various shades of poop brown.

She asked me why I didn’t pray for myself during prior to my operation.   This woman knows me well enough that I like to pretend to be in control and provided multiple Bible verses on why I was wrong.  She postulates that we’re all part of God’s plan.  There is no control or direction — although she admits that this doesn’t explain free will.

Although I do not claim to be fully part of any religion, I’d be blind and silly if I thought I was in full control, but that doesn’t stop me from believing in the illusion.  We may not be in control of the people we meet, who our parents are, or even what we will become.  We are under the strong influence of societal expectations and generation branding.

We – are – in control of our direction, speed, and thoughts, even if they are influenced, tainted, or inspired by what is going on around us.

–  Think of it like a choose-your-own adventure. It’s up to us if we go to page 10 or 234, but we will go to one of those pages that will offer more limited opportunities.
It’s a sandbox game.   As long as we don’t hit the zone wall or fall into a dev crack, we’re fine.

If God was in full control, there probably wouldn’t be ED, addicts, wars, and things that go bump in he night.  There would be more happily ever afters and, maybe, people wouldn’t be made to suffer as we do.

But how fun would that be? How would we learn?  How could someone grow out of perfection?

It’d be boring.   Life is drawn from experiences, some are shared and some are lonely.

Life is full of simple pleasures that we choose, rather it be eating, a walk in the rain, or doing a hard days work.  If we cannot afford ourselves the simple and basic pleasures, how can we possibly fully accept God spiritually when we deny the life-sustaining physical pleasure of eating?

Life is also full of woe, sickness, and desperation.  Some are forced upon us.  Others we choose willingly or by our attitude.  If we cannot overcome these forces, what claim do we have on pleasures?  Because God said so?  The God, if it is to be believed, created everything, including Hell.  Abuse.  Sadness.  Loss.

By not accepting pleasure, we hinder our ability to enjoy the company of others and share experiences.  By not surviving sadness, we lack the ability to relate to others.
Isn’t that part of the grand purpose?  To support, enjoy, and love?  How can we do both if we don’t experience both sides of the spectrum?

So, why pray for myself?
I am not afraid of the outcome.  If the cancer has spread, so be it.   There’s nothing I can do to change it.  Selfish prayer may provide a temporary Band-Aid, but to what end?  If the prayer isn’t granted I could feel betrayed and lost.   How does that encourage communication and keep the heart open?
– If you ask me, selfish prayer nurtures resentment and self-shaming.   It’s like a child trying to appease an inattentive parent.   Why him? Why her?  They’re bad.  I’m good.  Why are they wealthy?  Why am I weak?  Why are you doing this to me?    Do you not love me?  I’ll do better – I promise, somehow, I’ll make you love me.

No.  No.  nononononono.   We make do with what we have to the best of our abilities.  Creating father issues in an already single parent family – providing the Mother is unknown and all we know is the Father – does not help the situation.  It just complicates.

My control is what I can see, manipulate, and do.  It’s what I think, even if my thoughts are wrong, and the ability to change those thoughts, no matter how difficult that may be.
I will attempt to learn – which may take some time

In short, no I don’t pray for myself.  I think prayers are best for those who are stuck, cannot, or will not ask for divine help themselves.

What is — is. —   There’s no amount of wishful thinking or prayer that will change that and if you don’t believe me, just watch the nightly news or charity commercials that are already playing this holiday season.

As long as I am in control of my facilities and things are not perfect, I will have continue to take blame, responsibility, hardships, and failures to the best of my ability.  I will also continue to help those who are stuck on a decision, a direction, in the hopes that what I have learned from choices God has provided me may help and guide others.   I make no apology for that.  It’s pain and pleasure with a purpose.  I am accountable, single, and whole.