Okay, well, I guess they don’t throw rice at weddings any more.   I read somewhere that it swells up inside a bird’s stomach and it could kill them.  I’m not sure what’s thrown any more.   Surely, it’s not confetti or anything.   That wouldn’t be earth friendly.    How about bread crumbs?  As 21 rifle salute?

I never really put a lot of stock in the happily-ever-after BS fed to me by Disney throughout most of my childhood.  Marriage certainly isn’t “and they all lived happily ever after.”  Morons and Stepford wives believe this bull.   Life is never a ‘happy ever after.’   Not even in death, but that’s another topic.

Still, weddings seemed to be a goal, even if the person doesn’t know it.  Snow White and Aurora didn’t know they’d wake to a man they’d see every day for the rest of their lives.  At least Beauty grew fond of the Beast before they where announced Mr. and Mrs, but it wasn’t Beauty’s first goal to become the bride of a dust buster.  Ariel’s goal was obvious from the start, but there is still the lingering question…. did she do it for love or because she has daddy issues?

Weddings seems to be an accidental oops.  Two people get together and seem to feel like they have a good thing based on a month or two of difficulties and devote the rest of their life together.    Stupid or not, there they are.   I suppose fairy godmothers double as wedding counselors.

So, here I am – theoretically on the verge of marriage, primarily (I feel) at my mom’s behest.  Which is weird, truthfully.   Mom was uneasy about me moving to Florida to start with.   She became upset at the condition I became while I was in Florida and here she is bugling my pending nuptials.

I got to say, she has a lot of faith.  Mom firmly believes that the situation has completely turned around.   Jason has started a new chapter and would never let me get how I was before.  She thinks I’m physically and mentally strong enough to fully return to my line of work — but just not as much of it.

And, everything, will be happily ever after — or at least the best it can be.

She has more faith than I do.

I guess I’m just overly cautious.  I have been burned in this relationship before.   It’s no one’s fault but my own.  Still, I don’t want to play with that type of fire again.  I know that things can’t stay the way they are now.  My health issues have been a substantial shield, but that – should – be over with soon.    Sometime in February, I should (mostly) have a clean bill of health.  It shouldn’t be anything that a couple of competent doctors in Florida can’t handle.

I kind of like my doctors here.   I kind of like my life here.   I have support.   Even if it’s below 0 outside, it’s cozy inside.  It’s nice to have people that I would do anything for and I know would do anything for me.

I’m not saying that Florida doesn’t hold the same opportunities.   I would be more independent there.  It doesn’t get below 0 and, most of all Jason is there.

Is it selfish of me for wanting to have everything all the same time?  Sunshine, independence, family, and love?  Would it be okay to marry underneath white apple blossoms in the spring?  On the beach at the edge of the world?

Mom and Jason feel that I’ve been married for a long time.  In a way, I suppose I have.   After I met Jason, I never thought twice about another guy.   (Okay, looking, sure… especially some of the guys at the gym… but that was just an appreciation of physical attractiveness… )    Looking and — thinking — are two entirely different things.

But it doesn’t feel like I was married.    Yeah, like my parents set a good example of what a marriage should be.   I know Jason’s parents certainly didn’t.   I’m not sure how married people are supposed to act.  Is there a secret decoder ring?  Code words?  Special knocks?  Does a couple living together suddenly wake up one day with a married mentality?   How does this work and why didn’t anyone tell me?

I don’t know.   It’s weird.  I’m single.  Well, legally single.  I have always considered myself that way when, apparently, those who are most important in my world thought, felt, and acted otherwise.

It’s almost like I’m being backed into a corner and I don’t like it… but I should be okay with it, right?  Everyone I care about wants this for me.  They think I want it.  I should want it, but I don’t know.

Jitters, right?
I shouldn’t feel like I’m sacrificing anything, right?
This is just a continuation.  I have it far better than others.  Why should I worry or be confused?

I should just have some faith and trust… and pixie dust.    Not the illegal pixie dust.   I’m thinking more like Tinkerbell’s dandruff…