In my head, psychologists are shrinks.  Grandmothers are battle axes.  Bras are bolder holders.   Childhood insight!

I started to see a new shrink.   No, I don’t mean that in a negative way as some people may assume, but it’s not meant to be that way.   Think of shrink as someone who can shrink problems.   To see a shrink, you must have some pretty big problems.  The term ‘shrink’ isn’t exactly bad.

Anyway..  I started to see Fran.
This was my second visit in her painfully small office nearly overfilled with stuff bears and board games.  She’s a thin woman.   Older than I am, fortunately…  not that I mean that in a bad way.    I learned from the House that I have difficulty respecting the opinions and taking the advice from people who could be the same age of my mythical children.  …  Again, not in a bad way, but I can’s stand smugness that they’re right and I’m wrong or, even worse… not with ‘it’ because of some years.

Back on track…  Fran is older than I am and, this time, I got to see more of her face.  The first time, she was hunched over her computer misinterpreting everything I was saying while punching info into my file.  To her defense, she is hard of hearing and waiting on a hearing aide replacement.  I probably wasn’t talking loud enough.

She asked me what my current biggest burdens are.  Almost immediately, she went to food.  Given my anorexic history, that is a reasonable beginning, but food isn’t a means.   It’s an end.   I had to steer her away from that to a couple of real issues.

1 –
Cancer!   Yay!
I’m not talking about the Zodiac sign, but rather the lump that was removed.   The doctor called and my follow up appointment isn’t until Feb 21st.  I got to wait three more weeks to discover if I need radiation or kemo.

This issue isn’t on my immediate OMG list.   It’s more like a simmering, festering, open wound that I’m refusing to poke at.

When I close my eyes and try to tune into blood and bone, I feel like I will need some sort of additional treatment.  Not sure why.  Hopefully, I’m wrong.   At the same time, I instinctively knew I had cancer before it was officially diagnosed.  So, we’ll see.

2 –
I never really liked wearing white.   It looks good on some people, but I was always afraid of it getting dirty or stained.  It’s not a practically color of clothing by any stretch of the imagination unless it’s used to symbolize something – like the medical field.

I actually don’t mind lacey stuff, but as long as it’s not super delicate.   If Snezzles could rip it with a gentle swipe of a claw, that’s not worth the money for me.   That and plus it probably needs to be hand washed… Yeah, no.   I’m lazy when it comes to that.   I don’t hand wash anything if I can at all help it.

So, marrying in front of some random preacher is okay.    All the drama and build-up won’t be there.  I won’t have to fret about choosing colors, how many tiers the cake should be, and all that other societal bs that keeps wedding planners in business.

Still, I guess I’m a little sucker for romance and, right now, I feel like a mail-order bride.  Mom is scary for it.  She’s willing to chip in the ring.   Jason has said the wedding is a technicality because we’ve been all but married for years.

Yeah, true, true.   I’m not arguing, but I guess Disney wore off on me a little when I was a kid.  I seriously – do not – want a Cinderella wedding, but this doesn’t feel organic.  It’s not about love but necessity.  It doesn’t really float my boat.

I know a ‘re do’ could be on the One Day List, but that list is probably as long as the world is wide and typed at 8pt font.  Besides, there’s other stuff on the One Day List that I’d rather have than a re do marriage.   Spend money on a cake or have a hot tub installed.  Lots of money on a gown or have my eyes lasiked.  Spend money on invitations and a dinner or get a new roof for the house.

Weeelllll…. hum…  Tough choice there.

Still, something doesn’t feel quite right.
Probably loops back to me being greedy and wanting to have family and boyfriend in close proximity.

–  I don’t know.  Like the cancer, I’ve tried to stop myself from thinking about it.

Third thing…   and last thing for this entry.
—  Once upon a time, I worked for this college out of South Dakota.   I always thought it was a well meaning college.   Stupid in organization and practices, but it tries its best and makes it up as it goes along.   The adjunct culture wasn’t horrible.   I got to feel almost like they needed me since I was apart of some organizations and stuff.
They even paid me a little for the extra activities.   Whoo…  No other college has done that.

Despite being released from this college for reasons unknown…. Okay, the reasons are known but the college would never admit it…  I haven’t adjuncted for them for over a year.

For some reason, they generously decided grant me medical insurance even though I don’t qualify for it.

If the situation was different, I would probably go balls to the walls.   I’d pay the deductible and demand that they offer insurance to me for the rest of the year.  Why not, right?  I was figured in with their Obamacare healthcare bundle.  I might as well take advantage of it.

However, that’s ” not ” how it is.   I have my own insurance that refuses to pay because of the well-intentioned college’s goof.  My insurance is placing the college’s insurance as primary.

Now, I’m getting bills in the hundreds of dollars that I don’t have the money to pay and I shouldn’t have to pay.  I haven’t even got the big one yet… the one from the cancer surgery.   I don’t like having outstanding bills.   It’s against my core nature.

I’ve talked extensively to the HR department of the college.   They guy actually knows me by the sound of my voice now.  He promises (and promises and promises) that the issue has been handled.    He’s promised this since about the middle of December now.

I’ve talked to my insurance company who says that they’ll review my account and it could take 4 to 6 weeks before it reaches some sort of resolution….  if maybe they can.

All the while, I’m supposed to keep up my appointments and create new ones… like my eye doc.   It’s probably about time to have my teeth cleaned too.  I guess those can be put off, but not the cancer doctor so much.

It’s just really frustrating because it’s a mistake.  It’s something I perceive to be an easy fix and it’s dragged on for over a month.

That is bull crap.

So…  I guess that’s my big three right now.
What do I do… try not to think about it.   It’d depress me.
Screw it.
Maybe I’m good at shrinking my own problems, but we’ll see what happens with Fran.
Time will pass.  Stuff will change.

Next time, I want a shrink that has Freud’s couch.  I think that’d be pretty neat.

Over and out.  Gonna check my class and watch Psycho Pass.