Yes, I have returned to Indiana from Florida and, gee, do I feel civilized.

I had a doctor appointment on Monday, had one today, and have one scheduled for Friday.  Next week is the cancer doctor and some other doctor… I forget.   In June, I have a new foot doctor to see somewhere I’ve never been before…. which is probably a good thing.   My feet really hurt from time to time.  A little worried about that.   I come from a long line of bad feet, but we’ll see.

The refrigerator is more than half full than half empty.  I’ve been made presentable by having the little hairs pulled off my face and nails repainted.  I’m in for the day by 7 or 8 instead of 9 or 10.     Even the weather is fare more temperate.  Eighty degrees instead of ninety.

I guess I feel more coddled and cared for here.
I don’t have any real wants or needs.   I don’t have any financial worries and I’m not overly stressed out about those around me.   My brother and sister are just fine.   My mom, although temporarily housebound, will make a fully recovery.   How do I know? Because she always has.

The buzz of anxiety and worry hasn’t gone away, but has quieted down.
It’s still there.  I can feel it in the back of my skull, but it’s not moving or growing louder.

I like to pretend that I’m an independent thinker – that I’m strong in heart, body, mind, and spirit.  Growing up, I was eternal.   Everything to everyone.   Always constant but changing… if that makes any since.

In Florida, I’m more independent.   Sans family, I generally don’t have to answer to anyone.  If I wanted to spend eight hours at the gym, I could… not that I would because I respect Jason enough not to worry him, but I could.  However, I plot my day around what he may or may not want to do, feel like doing, or would enjoy.    The first and foremost thoughts are ‘how can I save money.   ‘how can I not make things more difficult.  Do I really need this or just want?’     That becomes a self-imposed chain almost.

On the other hand, here I plot with what I can get away with.  My mom, brother, and sister have their own lives.    We’re tied together, certainly, but it doesn’t feel like a fully symbiotic connection.  Again, out of respect (and lack of anything to do sometimes), I feel like I live a more ‘proper’ life since I don’t have the option to go to the gym for 8 hours …  someone would tell, most likely one of my sister’s friends…  and my physical activities are done before the sun goes down.

Night and day.  Black and white.
I know these are self-perceptions.   They could be correct or not correct.  Maybe I’m just fulfilling the imagined relationship holes around me.   I don’t know.

What I need is some sort of squishy blob of each type.   A situation where I can care for someone, but not feel like I’m obsessing while not perceiving my personal liberties are restricted.

I’ve never been good with balance – only extremes.  Balance is normal.   It’s boring and overrated.  Bouncing from different sides of the scale isn’t that fun either.    There’s gotta be another path, someway, somehow.