I’m kind of unusually pleased with myself today.

I did half an hour on the stair stepper at the gym.

While I was at Gencon, I found it really alarming that I could walk ten miles, but half a flight of stairs left me breathless.  I was putting off working on those muscle groups because they could hurt.     I certainly don’t mind getting sweaty and I actually like the feeling of my heart pounding in my chest.    It helps me feel alive.

I guess that when I get there, I tend to have a set routine based on who I’m with and I follow that routine.   I don’t like to deviate.  That’s, apparently, a bad thing.    The House emphasized non-conformity.    They actually suggested that we take different ways to work each morning, never order the same thing off the menu twice, and pretty much do everything we can to stay out of our comfort zone.

I can really understand the need and drive to do different things, but there’s also something to be said about finding out what I like and sticking to it.   If I like vanilla ice cream, I’m going to buy vanilla ice cream.  Besides, there’s also the financial thing to think about.   If I buy something and don’t like it, it’ll sit there forever or I’ll toss it.    That’s a waste of money.  Or, I could consume it and pretend I like it when I really don’t.    That’d be lying to myself.     It’s a no-win either way.

Anyway, I finally got to be a part of this gaming Discord group.   My brother is actually taking an interest in it and trying to be social, so I thought I’d give it a go to.   I wrote a small essay about nests, portals, gyms, and stops  — which got deleted when I hit the wrong button and had to write again from scratch.   Go me.

But, I did it.

And, it looks like today, as well as yesterday, I didn’t overeat.   Well, I didn’t overeat in my mind and by my definition and that makes me feel pretty good.  Oh, how frail the ego.  I take my wins when I can.

Yes, I am fairly disgusted by my physical appearance.
I think my facial features are mostly okay, but nearly everything below the neck could really use some plastic treatment.    This feeling of #notmybody runs pretty deep.  It’s almost like I’m wearing a meat suit.

It’s not me, but I know it’s me, but that doesn’t mean I have to accept it.

At one point, I was fairly happy with my meat suit and I’m trying to get back there, but it’s not that easy.    I guess I’m doing it the “right” way, but it’s difficult, mentally draining, and I’m becoming fairly impatient.

I guess that’s why I find it really important that Jason (or someone) notes my advancements (if any).   Like, at Gencon, Jason said that I looked in better shape than when he saw me three or four months prior.    That single sentence just lit me up on the inside.

On the other hand, it’s hard for him to pick up when I’m flirting or want to get  — snuggly.  That’s a form of rejection and really, really, really dampens the whole situation, mood, and just my general aura, I guess.  His, sometimes unknowing, acts of rejection and ignoring me just sends me into a shame spiral and I don’t want to try again for a while.  Sometimes, a long while.

Then, he thinks I’m not interested or busy or something and…  poof…

two ships passing in the night.

Bleh.

Anyway, anyway, I’m going to head out early tomorrow.
I have tasked myself to walk at least 5km, if not more, and get to the point where I can reward myself with some low-fat yogurt from Orange Leaf.

Yep, that’s the sort of plan.
Trying to get out as much as possible before the term starts up next week.