When you’re a child, adults tend to ask stupid questions.   The most notable is “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

This is really a toxic question.
The child doesn’t know what she wants to be.   There’s a world of possibilities.  The child knows practically nothing of what the future holds, her talents, her likes and dislikes.   The child, in an effort to get a positive response, usually replies with something that the parent or adult thinks is prestigious.    It’s a profession that the child picked up somewhere that the adult said just in passing.

The child is seeking approval or to please the adult.
This answer “What will I be…. ?” could be an unknown deciding factor that affects the child’s personality and preferences for years to come.

I know it did me.

For half of my public school educational career, I thought I was good at math because I was going to be an astronaut.    Didn’t happen, obviously, but I took every failing math grade personally.   It was a blow to my self-esteem for years.  Time wasted when I could have concentrated on my strengths instead of painfully discovering I have little to no aptitude for math what-so-ever.

Anyway, besides horribly failing at being an astronaut, my earliest memory of “what I wanted to be” was a mermaid.

Yes, a mermaid.   I couldn’t swim and was afraid to jump into a pool, but if I could have grown a tale and head out into deep salty water, I would have.
(– Note, this was waaayy before Disney’s Little Mermaid.”)

At that time, showers where pretty unheard of.   Everyone took a bath – in the bath tub.  The warm water.  The bubbles.    The way my hair floated in the water.  Yeah.   It was alone time.  I could relax.   No one really bothered me.  (That would come later when my brother and sister got to be a bit older.)

Even then, I craved solitude.   I wanted to be at peace.  On adventures.  Explore without worrying others or others worrying about me.  I didn’t want anyone to rely on me or I rely on anyone else.

When I got a little, I went through various phrases.
At one point, I wanted to be a witch, a Valkyrie, and a vampire.
—  Oddly enough, these are fairly solidary professions.

But, there were some constants.
Somewhere around third grade, I convinced myself that I could write.  I could picture my last name right next to Stephen King on the library shelves.    (Life really, really got off track from that, but I’m trying to piece my way back in that direction.   These blogs help, I think.)

I wanted to become a voice over actress for anime.   Still want to.  I was fascinated by Vampire Princess Myu, Vampire Hunter D, and Perfect Blue.   Later, that went to Cowboy Bebop, Trigun, and Samurai Champloo  – and it continues on till very day.    I could have swore that I heard the same voices over and over again.. and I was.   There are some popular American voice actors and, for some reason, I admired them.   I wanted to be one.

Growing older still, at one point I wanted to be a psychologist.  It wasn’t because I wanted to help people or any of that noble rubbish.   I am fascinated by the way some people think.    This also ties into how everyone has a story.   I wanted to know what the stories are.    Simple enough.

That was squashed when dad flat out refused to support me.   He flat out said I couldn’t live under his roof and he wouldn’t help me financially in any way, shape, or form.    Recovering from my spinal fusion operation, I wasn’t really in any mindset to argue or defy him.   So, teaching it was — and what a “great” fit it was for me too.

At least psychology is embedded in teaching, to a degree, but I still think I would have had more pride in my profession if I could have just got a six or eight year degree.   (Yeah, I know that seems like a long time, but I’ve probably spent about seven or eight years getting degrees that I really didn’t want.)

When my sister was little she wanted to be married, a mother, and a history teacher.   — That didn’t work out for her either, but I think that she has hope that she can achieve the first two.    Two out of three isn’t bad.

My best friend growing up wanted to be a singer, cashier (of all things), and a doctor.    None of which has happened for her.  Although, I do think she was a cashier shortly in high school as a part time job.   It must not have agreed with her.

I guess what I’m saying, in a round about way, that despite our best intentions to please adults when we’re children, it’s best to STFU and go our own way.    Not attempt to live up to titles, expectations, or even self-expectations.   Well, at least until we got our sea legs under us and can stand on our own, physically, mentally, and financially.

If.. if… if… I had the support to be a writer, a psychologist, a mermaid, maybe I’d be a little happier than what I am today.   Maybe I wouldn’t have this deep-seated uneasiness, disappointment, and general internal malaise.

If if if doesn’t change now now now.

Just try to have an open mind.   Not so open that the brain falls out.   Be grounded in reality – but just be open.   Regardless of age, financial situation, gender… whatever.    Especially with children.