Okay, so hi there.

I’m feeling better.
Didn’t wake up with Athena splitting brain cells this morning.
The throat doesn’t feel like it’s completely made out of molten lava.   I was able to tame it enough to down some soggy cereal — because Honey Graham corners are just to sharp right now.

Better.  Better and better all the time.

My current class is starting to enter its death spiral.
It ends on the 26th.  I’ve got till the morning of the 28th to report grades.   Nice little less-than-48 hour turn around there, but it’s fine.  I’ve handled it for years.   There’s just a lot of hangers in this course.    By hangers, I mean that they hang on until the last possible second to take action and actually turn in assignments.

I will admit that this class has been really good at texting – which I don’t mind in the slightest – except when they do it when I’m at the gym, the doctors, or in the middle of a conversation.    For no idea why, I feel the need to answer right away every friggen time.  But… that’s okay too.

It’s my choice to do so and I’m really anal retentive about that.

Sure, I fuss about being an adjunct a lot.   A lot a lot sometimes, but I don’t ever really blame the students.  If they want to take the time to text for questions, I’ll answer them PDQ.

To contrast, when my sister calls, I tend to send her to voicemail.   If she texts, fine.. but not actually call.   Knology scared me for life on that.  But, I don’t tend to answer her straight away.   … which I should… but I don’t.

The next term begins on March 4th.
It’s a 100 level class, so I’ve been blessed/cursed with a co-adjunct.    These are usually people who are new to the college or just to being an adjunct in general.   It’s really kind of a dice roll to see if I get someone decent or someone who wants me to wipe their butt for them.  I’ve had excellent partners and not-so-excellent partners.

Well, the final documents for the upcoming class need to be updated by tomorrow.  I went to complete them, but the new person hasn’t updated her info yet.   Without her, I can’t update the final syllabus….  which annoys me to no end.  I don’t like completing things on the day of.   If something is wrong on the day of, I don’t have a day after to correct it.  And, again, I’m just really anal about that sort of thing.  I don’t like leaving things until the last minute.

A polite but little-strained email went her way.
Just a nice “hey, do your job so I can do mine” note.   Hopefully, she’ll get back to me before both of us get in trouble.

Anyway… this week has been kind of harsh.

Monday – wonderful Monday – I visited Dr. S.  We talked for our quick 30 minutes or less and I walked away with a 20-milligram increase in my anti-depressants.    I take more blue pill now than what I took last week.

I guess I don’t have to take it, but she explained why it would probably be a good idea for various reasons.  I feel that I got to give it a shot… although I know it’s a step further away from actually weaning myself off of these things.   A personal goal is not to have to take the mind-altering blue pills any more, but these things have to be slowly withdrawn.  I can’t go cold turkey.    Tried that once and didn’t go well.

Higher prescriptions is a step further away from being off them.

It was a little funny though.

Mom:
What did Dr. S have to say?

Me:
I need more anti-depressants.

—  I don’t know.  I thought it was funny.   Mom’s tone was cheerful and upbeat, although it was odd of her to ask about a psychologist appointment.

Tomorrow… tomorrow is going to be awesome.
We’re supposed to have a wintery mix tonight.  For my southern reader, that means rain and snow with a chance of it forming into ice.   The warning ends tomorrow, as far as I know, at 7am.  Which is good, because I’m leaving around 8am to see the cancer doctor.

That’s about an hour-ish drive.  Here’s to hoping there’s not a lot of ice on the road.  I really don’t want to be anxious about driving in that kind of weather.   And, to prove to myself that I can handle it, I’m driving myself.

I don’t understand why I’m such a coward about this.  I’ve driven in snow in Chicago.  I’ve forged my way through hurricanes and tornados.   Why do I make such a big deal about just some ice?

Tomorrow is cancer doctor.

Which is fine.  It’s fine.   I don’t feel like the cancer has grown.  I just hate going.  I don’t like to be reminded of my mortality.  It’s uncomfortable and embarrassing.    Not for the doctor, but for me.

I just have to jump through a lot of mental hurdles to do this in addition to the wintery chex mix.  It’s exhausting.   It adds to my anxiety and it just really pisses me off.

And.. to top everything… my semi-boss from the job wants another call.  Groan.  I went six years before I was contacted by the boss-boss over something.   Was hoping that I could go another six years without talking to another person.. but no.   Guess that’s impersonal or something.

I don’t know.
Don’t know why.  I’d just really think that I’m doing okay.   I’ve been doing okay that I didn’t need anyone to talk to me.   Why do they feel the need to talk to me now?

It just gets under my skin, crawls around, and burrowing itself in the back of my head.  It creates a nest and has little slimy babies that crawl around the back of my eyes.

It’s just really really really really frustrating.

Maybe that’s why my anti-depressants increased.