Okay, so new-ish day.
It’s already after three.

Lazy rainy day.   It’s supposed to rain all week.  Not a whole lot going on.
Well, this time of year there’s always a lot going on, especially the weekends.   But, there’s kind of not a lot for me to do besides the usual – gym and chilling out downtown.    Although, truthfully, neither one of those activities have been very appealing.

Which, I guess, is okay since my scenery will be changing in about three weeks.    Off I go to Florida for about two and a half months before returning to Indiana for Gencon.

This year seems to be going by pretty quick, isn’t it?   Maybe it’s just the season.

I spent some time talking to mom today.   Our conversation generally centered around politics, peppers, tomatoes, robins, and cats.  i.e.   The robins are pulling the tops off of her tomatoes but leaving the peppers alone this year, for some reason.  I’m really glad she jumped back into gardening this year.   Last year, mom couldn’t do much because her appendix exploded.  I guess it really wasn’t just her appendix.   The awful care from the local hospital certainly didn’t help.  If anything, it added days to her hospital stay.

I can’t express how grateful I am that mom is still active.  Just over 70, she is still very vibrant.  I’m lucky.  Not sure what I’d do without her, even if we don’t talk as much as I’d like to.  Hopefully, I’ll survive long enough to see if I’ll be like her.

Been watching quite a bit of streaming stuff lately.   Mostly, it’s anime, but some other shows here and there pop in.   Recently, I watched the three Bezerk movies, rewatching Overlord, and caught up with the second season of One Punch Man.    One Punch Man is — thankfully — not a total train wreck.   I was fearing the worst when it got sold to another studio.   But, so far, the first four episodes are pretty much on track.

I was pretty satisfied with the whole banana thing.  =)

I’m trying really hard to think about something to write about.   If I don’t, I think I’m just going to hide under the covers and escape the world for a while –  which isn’t good.  It’s way too early for that.  I don’t want to fold for the rest of the day, but the urge is there and it’s pretty strong.

So, I need to distract myself
I am seriously hypocritical.

…   Totally lost my train of thought because I was reading some cartoons.

Hum… Well, I guess I could write about the news.
The thing that really caught my eye was how the NYT apologized for an anti-semitic cartoon.
–  My thought?  That’s total BS.  Even I could tell what was offensive about that cartoon and I don’t pay attention to anything.  The NYTs isn’t sorry for anything.   Rather, they’re reaping some sort of benefits for being callous and uncaring.  Maybe it was a slow news day so they felt the need to create news instead of just reporting on it —  like they’re supposed to.

I guess I could talk about anorexia.
–  I’ve started to become pretty strict about how many hours apart my meals are.  I’m also becoming very conscious of what I eat… which is a bad thing and a good thing… maybe.   I’m just a bit confused about that because of the House and other things.  I’m also upset at myself that I go to the gym practically every day and still haven’t lost any weight in six months or more.

I’m pretty sure all of that is connected to how I feel my life is spiraling right now and I’m striving for some type of control over something.  I’m failing spectacularly.

Maybe I can express, once again, how anxious I am about my siblings’ weight and health.  I’ve also become pretty… fearful, I guess… that one day I could have the same shape of my little sister.    I find it excruciatingly distasteful.  At one point in my life, I was probably as big as she is now, if not a little bigger.   If I ever became that way again, I’d probably shoot myself.

Not that I own a gun or anything, but I would seriously not be happy.  It really bothers me that I feel that way.

I’m certainly not superior or anything like that, but I kind of equate being big… that big… with being locked in the house when I was a full time and then some adjunct.  I don’t want to be hindered by walls.  Nor do I want to be by my own flesh.

Being bogged down – trapped – by either one will probably require something a lot more heavy than Prozac.

How frail am I?

I suppose I could express that I’m looking forward to seeing Jason again in three-ish weeks.   Which I am, but the whole transition from Indiana to Florida tends to bring a different type of fresh anxiety.
–  I’m certainly not afraid of flying, but just going from here to there.   Switching roles.  Insecurity.  Worry.  Guilt.     None of these emotions are new to me and I bare them here.  But, it’s just more intense in Florida.

I also don’t know why I get the Mitsubishi commercial five times in a row on FFBE most days.   Boy, do they have their target audience wrong.    Like I can even afford a car right now and, even if I could, I probably wouldn’t even think of Mitsubishi.

Just saying…