Have you ever had one of those days… weeks… where you’re trying to project a feeling to the significant other.     That person doesn’t acknowledge it, just doesn’t get it, or chooses to ignore it.

This is more than “Hey idiot, do the dishes.”
Rather, it’s like a mutual and soulful agreement that really makes you feel that you’re on the same level as the other.     That you were kind of meant to be together?

I think I’ve been trying to project that for a lot of days lately.  I wanted that ‘close’ moment that could be fun… romantic…  reassuring…  and I didn’t get it.    And, now I’m going back home.

The home where sister/daughter me reigns and the version of me now as I am at this minute goes into hibernation.   It’s too late now and there may not be an opportunity later.   Heck, I may not even desire that special type moment later.    Things change.

I guess I’ve been feeling emotionally stagnant.  I just don’t know if I’m being ignored, misunderstood, or he’s just so dense that he doesn’t get it.

Course, I could put on my big girl pants and just talk.   And I think I tried that a little, but it didn’t go anywhere.     What’s the point of a special magical moment of mutual understanding when I feel like I got to nag or something.   After ten plus years, shouldn’t we be able to read each other enough to know…..?

Guess not.
I’m just forlorn I guess.
Am I being punished for something?

So, since I’m leaving today…   for who knows how long because he really helped pinpoint a day or even a month for that matter…  I’ve been hiding and using my stuff.

My clothes are packed.   The lotion and shampoo I use when I’m here are hidden in the closet.   The Diet Mountain Dew I like and he hates is all gone and replaced with Diet Dr. Pepper.     Which is fitting.    I don’t care for Dr. Pepper all that much, even if it’s cherry.

When he comes back here, without me, there shouldn’t be a lot to remind him that I was here at every turn.

Somethings are unavoidable… like I sanitized and reorganized the freezer.   Who else would do that but me?

But the personal effects are limited.   I know that I won’t be able to get everything.   There could be some hair in the drain…  I’m really good at stopping drains.   There might be a sock under the bed.    Just little things, but I’m hoping that he won’t feel that I’m surrounding him or haunting the house.

In my head, this is his place.  I live here and I don’t live here.  When I’m here, I live here.   When I’m not here, I don’t live here.   But, regardless, this is his house all the time.  His and Sneezles.  I guess on paper, this my house all the time too, but it doesn’t feel that way.
I’m just here to…..  help?   I don’t know.

It’s been raining all week too.    I haven’t been able to go to the gym.    Maybe that’s part of where my melancholy is coming from.  I haven’t been able to watch the rest of the third season of Stranger Things.

Maybe I’m expecting too much.    After all, relationship-wise all I got to go by is Disney movies and observing the rather painful relationship my parents had.  That’s not exactly the best combination.

……..

Dunno.
Sad.

But, it’s okay.   Soon, this me will be gone.
The other me will be back.    That other me doesn’t expect special moments and has other people to interact with, who care about me, then this one I guess.

Two and a half hours till the airport.

If I can just not cry until then, I’ll be just peachy.