Well…   I’m really not too sure how to feel right now.

This morning, little sister told me around 6am  (the time is worthy of note because she is – not – a morning person) that she going to move to a place that’s just a little over an hour away.

Her job offered her a managerial spot at a high volume store.   She didn’t want to let the opportunity slip by her and jumped on it.  All of a sudden, my Friday plans are all about apartment hunting.

I feel good about this.   Outside of a brief stint at IU, where she became very ill, little sister has lived at home.  When I went to Florida, she kind of took my place and stepped in to hold the place together.  She was also essential to helping the family get through dad’s death.    Without a doubt, she’s vital here.   But, she’s also an adult… no matter how much mom and I don’t want to think about it.

I feel good that she’s going to go out in that big scary world again.  I’m confident that she can succeed.

—–   However, if/when I return to Florida full time, that would just leave my mom, her husband, and little brother all alone.  While mom is fully continent and physically well…. as well as someone can be who is over 70…  my brother is unquestionably loyal…   I’m just not going to feel right about leaving them.

It didn’t feel right the first time and it put such a strain on everyone.   Then, dad died and things went crazy for a while… and I was raised to step-up.  Defend.  Protect.  Assist.  I wasn’t supposed to go running off to a distant state.   When dad died, I was programmed — and I wanted to —  be here with them.

That didn’t happen for a lot of reasons that are too worn to go into….  But, in the end, I knew everyone would be okay.   Little sister was a significant piece who kept the sanity.

Overweight… exceedingly high pitched voice when excited… caring… pain in the butt little sister.

So, if (when) she’s gone and if (when) I leave, …   I know my mom and brother are adults.  They are more than capable of handling everything themselves,  but it just doesn’t feel right.

Deep in my heart, it doesn’t feel right.

I know it’s silly.    It’s silly.   Little sister deserves her own life and I’m sincerely glad she’s going out there to give it a shot.

So, I feel the responsibility shift to me … as where I think it always should have been.  If I hadn’t moved to Florida, maybe little sister would have started her life years ago.   Am I the cause for the delay?

Silly.  Silly.   Silly.
Everyone are adults.  They handled themselves just fine when I wasn’t here.   There’s no reason for me to think that they won’t be okay with my sister and I have gone.    Little sister is going to be just an hour drive away.   Little brother isn’t a slouch.   He wouldn’t let anything bad happen.

But.
But. But.

This is just something I’m going to have to work through somehow.

I shouldn’t feel like dirt.   I shouldn’t feel like crud.
Just as little sister, I have a right to my own life too, even if it is Florida.

I just have to reprogram or convince myself that life isn’t fully braided here….

It’s just difficult.

I need to think… which won’t lead to a resolution – not in the slightest – but I still need to think.