Hard start this morning.

There’s stuff I want to do this morning, but I can’t seem to get the body to move.    Lack of self-discipline, I guess.  I need to get better.

Yesterday evening, our time together was spoiled by the roof thing.  Or, my precisely, the money thing.   I can really understand how money is the main factor that drives people apart.

If we were of differing mindsets, we could refinance the house.   Which would provide us enough money to make improvements, but set back the thirty-year loan by decades.  We’d be paying off our little postage stamp well into our 70s instead of our 60s.

On one hand, we’d be able to get rid of the rotting cabinets, defunct garage, credit card bills…. the new roof wouldn’t be an issue = at all. =

But, like Jason said, that’s his panic button.     It’s a one-time thing and, while it would provide short-term relief, the mortgage would still be there.   Eventually, the credit cards would come back.

His student loan will come due and… I guess that’d be that.
The years of anxiety and work to pay off the house really wouldn’t mean anything.

Well, that’s not right.
I think to be a homeowner instead of a renter special.  People fought and died for a little scrap of land.   They will continue to do so until the end of time.    As a homeowner, instead of taking pride in an ambiguous nation where everyone has more than you and you lack a personal stake, owing a postage stamp is a personal, soulful, and financial investment.

Jason and I took responsibility and are held accountable for this postage stamp.  It’s kind of like taking care of Sneezles.    We could be better by taking him to the vet or (attempting) to bathe him more often.   But, on the other hand, he’s well-fed, loud, and sassy.  We’re not complete failures and have good intentions.   (Mostly) our priorities are in the right places.

It’s just difficult because we know we can do better.
It’s aggravated by people who seem to flawless achieve whatever their objective is.
People who may not deserve it and people who pick the wrong life choices but continue into damnation anyway.    Even if they have children.

Well, I’m not to pass judgment, of course.
I am lucky with Jason and my family.   I am doubly blessed.  I tend to have my say and, most of the time, am treated seriously.  Everyone has reasons.   I know my students definitely do.  I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t even bother with their explanations about their lives and why assignments are late.

Truthfully, I just don’t care since it doesn’t make any difference in the end.

But, does it make a difference?
Are Jason and I missing a party because we want to keep up on our homework?

Is doing what is right the same as doing what is best?

Of course, it could be argued just how important a hot tub is anyway?
Is the stress from the additional debt over a silly but very helpful thing be worth the cost of admission?

Dunno, but I need to get up and do something.
I need to stop wasting the day, pull myself out of this funk, and do something.    I’m not a wah person most of the time.     I need to feel the weather and see if it feels safe to go for a  walk.  There’s a storm coming and I don’t want to be caught out in it.