Here we go again.

Another Sunday.
Another day of just barely keeping a cap on the crazy.

The crazy being the anxiety. The depression. The screaming. The wild emotions that linger just under the surface of my skin and behind my eyes.

It could be worse. I could be playing the panic flute about the class — I had a lot of work come in yesterday. But, since Jason and I stayed home, I was able to keep on top of it. Right now, my to-grade list is empty, and I haven’t received any nasty-o-grams yet.

I’m expecting some. There always are. It’s been at least three or four days since I’ve been personally threatened or had a student play me the sad-sack violin. They’re just saving that up for the upcoming weeks.

Fortunately, there’s only Weeks 5, 6, and 7 to go. That’s when all of the stuff ramps up. The insults, vague harassment, and assignments that are a month overdue. So far, there’s only been one or two students using AI to cheat. At least that’s something. What, I don’t know, but something.

I’m not having a difficult time trusting but apprehensive about situations.

The yard… the damned yard… is overgrown. At first, I reasoned it out. I went to try a couple of times on Wednesday and Thursday. On Wednesday, I talked myself out of it as the grass was damp in the morning and the afternoon. I could feel my socks getting wet through my shoes just by stepping through the grass.

So, I waited until Thursday. Then, I couldn’t get it started. I know what was wrong. I tried to fix it and failed. I could have gotten mom’s mower and but didn’t. I have no excuse.

It fell to Jason and, since the heat index has been so high, was mowing super late. Like 10pm. The mower continued to stall at least ten times he said, despite the new blade and tune-up.

Because it was so thick and dark, he didn’t finish on Friday.

Saturday it rained in the evening.

Here we are on Sunday with it half mowed. It’s still hot outside. It’s still growing. Jason promised he would finish it today… but this is when he should be taking it easy, preparing for the drive on Monday, and study for the CPA.

I could step up. I could volunteer. But I’m completely afraid that if the mower stalls on me… which it probably will as the grass is (probably) still damp and should be more thick now than it was a couple of days ago — that I would lose it.

So, here I am. Fussing. Frozen with inaction. I would like to take charge and just do it, mower be damned. It needs to be done. Jason has his stuff to do. We’re a team. I feel like, years past, that it is my responsibility.

But… If I can’t keep it together mentally, I’ll spend the rest of the day – and probably the week, honestly – lamenting the failure, if I fail. And, if I don’t, I will be upset that I’ll be placed in the same situation again – with the mower – in just a couple of days. I’ll be upset and exceedingly critical that I placed myself into that situation.

I’ll be disgusted by the self-weakness, full of self-loathing. I feel mentally ineffective. Physically weak. Spiritually fragile.

So, I don’t take action. Just like Eveline staring at the ship as her lover and a new life fades away.

When will fall be here?
When can I hide in the hoodies and the grass isn’t growing?

School starts next week. Halloween candy is on the shelves. Hobby Lobby even has Chinese Christmas crap out.

I need a nice long seasonal fall to avoid an emotional and mental one.

I am kind of proud of my post about how society and cultural norms are conspiring to lower the birth rate.
That was my ‘big brain’ thought for the week.

A little scary too.

This week… this week could be a bit of a challenge.
I don’t have a lot of appointments. It’s just going to be me.

I’ve got a list of things to keep me busy from large — cleaning out the shed (which probably won’t happen in a day. I’ll work on it a little at a time and, hopefully, have it organized by winter) to taking everything out of the kitchen cabinets and just doing a general cleaning. Maybe tossing or storing away little used items to have some space. I have a dresser in the back room that I haven’t touched in at least a year. It’s starting to fall apart a bit. Some organizing and super glue is needed.

Maybe. Maybe I’ll work on them. Or, maybe not. I have grand intentions sometimes and just can’t seem to move the body sometimes. Then, I just sit and wonder what the heck am I doing with my life… or even if I have a life…. and that goes into the dark path area.

I don’t know.
I’m cold