All We Ever Knew
The Head and the Heart

You don’t see why your world has no love to give
Well, what goes around comes around
I know sometimes you get so caught in a dream
But now it’s time to wake up from this
It’s time to make up for it

It’s time to wake up from this
Yes it’s time to wake up from this
It’s time to make up for it

All we ever do
Is all we ever knew

I’m feelin’ low, feelin’ high
Feelin’ down, why isn’t this enough?

***

My sleep regime leaves little time for dreams and nightmares.  It left little time at all.
The body allowed rest for an hour, two tops, before the mind gained some sort of hold on the situation and propelled me to being working – for one or two hours – just long enough for the brain and body to begin to fail – before rest would be allowed.

Or, maybe, the behind-the-curtain mind felt the need for balance between work and sleeping – since sleeping (like eating) is wholly selfish activity whose only direct benefit is myself.  For every minute the body spent in rest, it had to spend working.  I think this is an example of Equivalent Exchange from Full Metal.  (Yes – I know the importance of eating and being well-rested.  At the time, however, I felt that I was functioning – so eating and sleeping where optional.  They key term here is “felt.”  Apparently, what I “felt” was wrong.)

Somewhere between Weeks 8 and 9, nightmares returned – with a vengeance.  The nightmares could be thought as part of the traumatic re-feeding process – the result of an impoverished brain receiving nutriments.  Then again, it could be the 6 years of crazy carefully boiling to surface.

1:17 a.m. was the first time since returning home that a nightmare broken my already (still) broken sleep.  Gratefully, I don’t recall what happened – nor do I wish to.  The resulting sitting straight up- sweat drenched- unable to calm my breath- is disturbing  enough.

In review of yesterday, I think there’s plenty of opportunity for tonight’s nightmare.  Just a few, but not all, =
— Clothes shopping with mom.
Sure, seems like a fun activity and it was – I love spending mom ‘n me time.  However, it resulted in the internal realizations/acknowledgements of

* I’m not returning to Florida this year – which is something I already knew, but buying a coat was proof positive.

* The shame/blame spiral of money spent.  I should be financially stable enough to provide my own clothes – but I’m not.

*  Body-image moments.  I’ve associated my healthy weight range with a particular pants size.  Going over or under is forbidden – least for me.  In a couple of instances, I had to try the next size bigger – which mentally translated into anxiety.

*  Eating out, once again, (Cracker Barrel) and trying to chose an acceptable dish that’s not to expensive, would satisfy the ever watching mom, and one I wouldn’t mind eating leftovers – if there are any.

* Guilty of keeping mom out four hours.  Yes, we love to spend time with her, but she’ll always have Bill nagging somewhere in the back of her mind.   I know I would.

—–  Today won’t be so bad… but it’s a day Elmer and I go for a walk in the park before having a lunch.  I’ve already pursued the  Lincoln Square menu and am prepared to order the Apple Club or Grilled Chicken Salad.   Lincoln hasn’t updated with caloric content just yet, but those two options seem safe – outside of the bread on the club – but I’ve consumed bread before!  Hopefully, I’ll be okay today.

So… yeah – first world problems – I know.
Thanks for the added guilt  -)

Wish me luck.

So – yeah – that seemed like enough to spawn anxty -dream.