I really have no other way to start this…  Yes, I really did clean my room, sorta.

I visit the shrink on a weekly basis now.  During our last visitation, she stated quite plainly, several times, that I know how to take care of others.   I clean their rooms.  I vacuum.  I mop.

To take care of Jason, I sacrificed my mental health, physical well-being, and nearly died – literally.  I have the doctor bills to prove it.

Going back further, I appointed myself as guardian and caretaker of my brother and sister the instant they were born.  They were so small, helpless, and from what I knew about the world at my young age, I didn’t want them to suffer as I did.  So, I did everything I could possibly do to shield them from dad’s not-so-nice moments and verbally abusive babysitters.

As they grew older and the world continued to chip apart, I think I became a dictator to them.  If they did not do as I said, I would become so angry.   I don’t think they understood that when I sent them to their rooms when dad woke from his 4 hour nap (– he worked 80+ hours a week) – that I was keeping them from remembering him at his worst.  Screaming, blaming, shaming.  Nothing, absolutely nothing, was ever good enough and he was a furious force.

So, I tucked my siblings away and faced him alone, night after night, while mom was at work.  She had two jobs as well and was rarely home in the evenings when he was awake.  If my brother and sister would not hide, I was quite capable of voicing my displeasure and demands.
—  After all, I am my father’s daughter.

Looking back, I kind of wonder if they ever understood.   Maybe I was just some fierce force that kept them from their father.  I don’t know… but the past is in the past.

Back to the shrink….  she said – repeatedly… it’s become a theme… that I don’t know how to care for myself.  I’ve looked after others so long that I’ve lost a piece of myself.  So.. to show her…. I cleaned my room.  That’s the first time I’ve done so in months.

But you know what, in afterthoughts, I probably did it to show her that I did.  I didn’t do it for myself.

Where does this leave me?
I’m not sure, but my room does actually look less cluttered – a lot less cluttered – but it isn’t up to my specifications.  I didn’t go through the clothes or the closet.   I did, however, clean out my purse.   I’d consider that a bonus.

If I’m so independent and intelligent, as the shrink claims, why do I need provocation to do an activity that I’ve done thousands of times for others – for myself?  I don’t understand it, but do I need to?  What’s so wrong about trying to make the people you care for happy and protect them?
–  The world has enough stones and slings as is.  I know I can’t filter all – and nor would I want to – but why not just do what I can?

The shrink asked if I would change anything from Florida.
– If I wouldn’t work as I did – If I wouldn’t have jeopardized my existence and sanity – and… truthfully…  I wouldn’t.  I wouldn’t change a bit.

Yes, Jason and my relationship suffered greatly.  Yes, my veins were so weak that blood leaked out of them and could be seen under my skin.   Yes, panic attacks were exceedingly common….

But, you know, he always had food.  The bills where always paid.  All he had to do was concentrate on bettering himself.

—  I wouldn’t change a thing.  I mean that. I believed in him.
I guess I’m not as smart as the shrink thinks.