We haven’t changed the calendar.

It doesn’t seem like a priority although we’re some 18 days into 2018.
We’ve talked about it.   Commented.   I even looked amount the 60% calendars while taking a gym in Pokémon Go, but no.  Didn’t buy one and 2017 is still pinned to the wall.

In a way, I’m okay with that.   2017 saw my return to Florida after pretty much two years of constant doctor visits and a three month stay at the House.    Now the page has turned, it’s time for me to go back to the doctors, a warm and welcoming family, and Indiana January snow.

But, at the same time, Jason, my Florida sunshine, will be left alone… again.

True, it’s encouraging that I returned to an old life and didn’t have a psychotic episode.   I didn’t burst into tears.   I didn’t feel my old rage peeling off the walls.   Instead, I cleaned house.  I straightened, dusted, mopped, and swept.

I didn’t do a perfect job and the old me would have found it sub-par.  However, I didn’t obsess.  Jason only had to ask where a few things where.  I tend to move brushes to the bathroom instead of the kitchen counter.   A random jumble of wires were shoved in a dark corner, one of which was important to charge a battery.  It was found.  The battery saved.   That’s what matter’s right?

It isn’t perfect, but it’s comfortable.
I allowed myself to go on walks, find the gym, and attempt to determine what has changed and what has stayed the same.   I watched some animes and ate popcorn in the bed.

However, the old me – the one filled with rage, depression, and anxiety, is quietly here as well.   Silent and subdued, she lives in  closet full of clothes that are 5 sizes too small for me.

Sometimes I hear whispers as she tempts tempts temps….  Do I remember when I wore a size 2 and, eventually 0.   Yes, I do.   On my previous good days, do I remember how light and received special attention from strangers?   Yes, I do.  This was probably because I was below 100 pounds and looked like some kind of sideshow freak, but I remember.  Do I remember feeling free of my body, of pain, of hunger?   I remember that as well, but that could probably be because I was running towards Death, just a little faster each day.

That was then.   This is now.  I’m more grounded.  I’m overweight.  A cold wind doesn’t make my teeth chatter.  I think Jason see more of me instead of my skeleton.  Well, that could be because I’m not transparent any more, but still, there’s more of me to see.

Maybe a little too much more, but I’m working on that too.

I have to find my balance.
I’m not a balanced person, but bleh.    Maybe there’s balance in being out of balance.
It’s bumpy, but there’s worse.  Right?

I’m fortunate that I have a family and I have Jason.
Internal conflicts, but at least I have people.  People who care for me.  People who love me.

I’ll be fine.