Things have been a little bumpy on this trip.
It’s good, but bumpy.    Bumpy 99% of the time because of me, probably, maybe..  but that’s okay.   There’s going to be bumps.   But, overall, it’s going good.    I think we feel more natural with each other this time than last.  I realistically couldn’t ask for much better.

And well, suddenly, my mom got sick.
Okay, she’s not sick sick, but her appendix kind of exploded.
She’s in the hospital because it got some infection in her blood and she’s at the local city hospital which has a — really — not so good reputation.

Then, I found myself coming out of the way way back machine.
I was in Florida when my dad died of lung cancer.   I don’t know what I could have done if I’d had been there, but I’ve always felt guilty about it.    Not about his death, exactly.   I know we’re all going to die.   I wish I was there to help care for him during his illness and I wish to God that it wasn’t my sister who found him.   It should have been me.

Now, mom is ill and, again, I know these things happen.    My sister swears that she and my brother are holding it together.   Everything will be okay…. which is funny, that’s what they said about dad too…  and I know I’ll be returning to Indiana soon.   By that time, it’ll probably all be over.

Praise be… or whatever.   It’s funny how people have a tendency to delve into religion during troubling times.

(On that note, The Handmaid’s Tale is back on Hulu.)

—  Despite knowing that I can’t do anything from here, my sister is on top of things, and I’ll be back soon, it’s like my dad all over again and ‘behaviors’ have started up again.   Sleeping through the night…?   No.  I’m up about every hour or two.    I force myself to go back to bed, where I just kind of lay there until I get up again.  I don’t think I truly get any peaceful sleep until after Jason leaves for work.

Wish I knew more about my nocturnal wanderings, but I lost the power cord to my Fitbit.    —  I think the cat took it.      It’s just the darndest thing.   I always had it hooked up to the computer and then, poof!    It’s got to be around here somewhere.

Anyways…   I’ve kind of started a cycle of gorging and then not eating anything for a while.  I’m not talking about days for a while, but probably 12+ hours.    I guess that’d be honest.   At night, however, when I’m sure no one is around, my targets have been the very expensive Kind bars.   Current fave is the dark chocolate with sea salt.   Jason’s partial to the peanut butter dark chocolate, so those have been disappearing too in alarming quantities.

When the Kind bars aren’t around, I tend to turn back to my old staple – cereal – of which I’m entirely ashamed of.  I’m struggling with estrogen issues, and dairy is something I deeply crave.    Milk goes with cereal.   Soon, the box and gallon is gone.

Okay, truthfully, I’ve been struggling with this for a long time.  I was getting better before I came here.   I fell off the wagon a little.   Got better again.    Now it’s just….  very frustrating and highly worrisome.

Shamefully, I’ve been taking my panic button pills more than I like.    I don’t mean every day taking them, but maybe once or twice every two or three days.

All of this has just really circled around to Scarlet Letter beatings and self-humiliation.
I don’t feel intelligent.  I don’t feel attractive.   I might as well be a ditto — a happy lump of bubble gum who hides in situations and people trying not to be noticed or called out.

And I know it.
I see what’s going on but it doesn’t seem to register.  It’s like the mind and body isn’t connected.   I’m not an outsider looking in, but an insider looking out.   I’m not to sure how else to explain it.

Things got to complicated to quickly and, worst of all, I’m not sure how to deal.  It’s embarrassing.  I feel like I’m hiding behind the panic anxiety pills and, with each passing day, lose the ability to do things for myself

Does that make any since?

Anywhoos…..   I need to feed the cat.   The glare of death means he’s going to tap dance on my keyboard when I’m not looking.