I think there’s something going on with me.

Well, there always seems to be something going on, but I mean really going on.
I haven’t wanted to write, play games, go outside… despite this being my second favorite time of the year.

I don’t want to go to the doctor, take my meds, or watch TV.
I force myself to grade, which takes about twice the amount of time as it should otherwise because I’m so sluggish.

It’s difficult to sleep, but even more so get out of bed.
I eat meals out of a since of obligation and because I don’t want to worry anyone…  not that I have sixty extra pounds on me right now anyway.    It’s difficult.   I’m keeping mental track of how much I eat when, where, and what type of activity I’ve done during the day, if any.

Ever so slowly, the tectonic plates in my mind are moving.  I don’t know if it’s together or apart, good or bad, but they’re moving.  But… not without little earthquake tremors.

I’ve become high conscious of smells.   Sharp smells.     Like, if I can smell someone at the gym, even if they’re a couple of machines away, I’ll change my machine.  There’s no need for that.   They’re not in my personal space and could be five feet or more away, but I just can’t stand the smell, real or imagined, sweat or fragrance… it makes me nauseous.

Overheard conversations irritate.  For example, mom was reading some ingredients from something.   She said sugar and then molasses.  Molasses IS sugar.   It’s just refined in a different way.   For some reason, that just bothered me.   Really bothered me and there’s no reason why.

I’m not a quiet type.   Not always.   There was this situation with the typical stupid test that I have to endure every semester.  My brain is on the fritz and I kept getting this one question wrong… like five times wrong and it’s a four answer multiple choice answer.  My ‘supervisor’ had to keep resetting the test and I know it irritated her.

I know it did.

After a couple of days, she stopped responding to me.  The time to take the test passes.

A week goes by.   Oh! She’s sorry that she forgot me all the while I’m wondering if I got away with something or won’t have a job next term.  With a snippy little email, she resets the test and.. somehow…  I finally pass it to only have — another — test waiting after that one.

Anyway, I was irritated over the stupid test, but even more so by her negligence.  She ignored me when I never cause any problems.   I never turn in my grades late.  I have never contacted her for anything in the past six years outside to reset this damn test.

So, I kind of expressed my displeasure on the form I had to fill out… and now her supervisor wants to have a “little chat” over the phone.   I haven’t physically spoken to — anyone — from this college since my interview.

I don’t want to speak to her.
I’ll probably have to kiss ass or something, which I hate doing.  Who does?

One class per term isn’t a lot, but it’s something and keeps mom from having to pay my bills.  I get a little feeling of independence… just a little, but it’s all I got since I’m apparently not mentally stable enough to have more than just one class.

A “little chat”……   Who knew the supervisors actually read those forms.    I sure as hell didn’t.   This is the first time I got a reaction to one of them as well.

I’m just not in the mindset to handle this.
I can imagine the super-supervisor saying something — something little — that’ll annoy the heck out of me and I’ll just blow up.

Boom.

No more job.

Now would be a good time for it since the term ends in a couple of weeks.

I have to do something.   Sticking my head in the sand would be a great way to become fired for sure.

So…  I’m going to email her back and tell her I’m busy.   She’s only in the office from 7 to 4, so…   I’ll just have doctor appointments until she forgets about me.    I don’t like doing that.   It’s not me.   I’m usually a bull in a china shop – just ready to take on everything blindly and head-on, but not this time for some reason.

I just want her to leave me alone.
I do what I’m supposed to.  She can turn a blind eye on me again.

I just don’t want to become irrationally upset with her on the phone for something that she has no idea about but irritates the hell out of me.

I’ll be mouse quiet again.
Promise.

Maybe I will just stay in bed, awake, unmoving.
It seems like the best route, doesn’t it?