Well… hi.

I hope everyone’s doing okay.

I’m all right.
Believe it or not, I actually voted last Wednesday.   I hang around downtown an embarrassingly amount of time, so I walked myself right into the courthouse and did it….  setting off the metal detector of course.

Which, I find amusing.  I set off metal detectors in the courthouse and the Indy airport.    Rightfully so.  But, I have yet to cause a stir at the Tampa airport.

Anyway, I voted 99% Republican.
I read up on some of the issues, especially between Braun and Senator Donnelly.  Or, as the media refers to them – – China Mike and Mexican Joe.   …  Joe is the current senator.  Neither one is perfect, but Joe voted against Kavanaugh.  I understand why… He’s trying to play to the female vote.

I understand that and a politician needs to sway the wind is blowing, but it really boiled down to he said she said.  The FBI didn’t find anything.   I’m not calling Mrs. Ford a lier, but nothing could be proven.   In this country, we’re supposedly innocent until proven otherwise.

There’s also a pretty good indication that, should the Democratic Party, that they would just continue to relentlessly spend taxpayer money to evict Trump and whoever else from office instead of moving forward.     It’s certainly okay not to like someone.  Some people hate Trump.  They have nightmares about him.

That’s all well and good, but it takes a lot of effort to hate someone.  If the party could, collectively, take all that fire and brimstone, they could do something productive instead of trying to burn down the Republican Party and those who are conservative in nature.

Anyway, I voted.
I got the sticker and everything.

Despite my love of spring, Halloween used to be my favorite holiday.   I’ve been trying to get back to it, but it’s been pretty disappointing so far.   Mainly, I’ve been watching a lot of horror/psychological stuff… and nothing has really worked.

I found Haunting of Hill House interesting, but not the scariest show on TV as some have claimed it to be.   The Walking Dead was really starting to be a yawn.  The Witch, also rumored to be scary, was fairly tame.    There was some other movie I watched that was so impactful that I can’t remember the title.   I think it had something to do with a ghost.

(I talked myself into seeing Halloween (2018).  I want to see it.   But, I don’t want to be disappointed as I have so far with supposedly ‘good’ shows and movies.  This could just be a mental block not to treat myself.  Fully possible.)

But, I’m still trying to find that Halloween spine tingle and am watching the Bates Motel.  I’m about halfway through season one and, while interesting, it’s really fast-paced.  If anything bad can happen to Norma, it does.   She’s manipulative and Norman is trying to be his own person, but keeps allowing himself to be attached by that umbilical cord.

Still, there’s been marijuana fields, sex trafficking, murder, a couple of deaths, and a body was dug up all while Norma is trying to run her hotel.  Multiple bad things happen per episode and the characters really don’t have a chance to catch their breath and come to terms with what has happened.  There’s also that lose end about what happened to the manga girl.   She ran off…  did Shelby kill her?

Yeah, sure, Netflix wants to keep the plot moving to attract viewers.  I get that, but I prefer the subtle delicacies and tones.   Why would Norma dump that she was abused on Norman right before a party?  .. just stuff like that.

(How have I watched all this stuff, you might ask —  I discovered Netflix on my phone and watch it at the gym.)

Anyways, my class is over.   The next round starts on Halloween, oddly enough.   I got a 101 class ———- sssuuuuuccckkkkssss….  but, hopefully, the grading will go quick… which I know it won’t cause I type way too much for my own good.  But, there it is.   Actually, I was fairly impressed with my last class.   It was a 250 and most of them actually seemed to really give a crap about the assignments.    I can’t recall when I had so many As and Bs.   And, honest to goodness, only one person failed.     That NEVER happens.

I’m really going to have to lower my expectations for the 101.    I hope they disappoint me.

Um… went to the foot doctor yesterday.  I have plantar fasciitis in addition to a bunch of other stuff.  Therapy was recommended.   Unlike the other times I’ve had physical therapy, I’m not going to bob in the pool or play with the toys.   Rather, they’re going to take an ultrasound thing to my calf muscles to see if that helps reduce the pain.    Sounds like a massage to me.   I’m all in, but I have to find a place that takes my insurance.   The doctor said my calf is ‘very tight.’

I’m kind of hoping that she’s mistaking and it’s not tight but rather muscle.
I’m not losing weight, despite going to the gym five times plus a week.    The body has to be doing something, right?
–   It’s frustrating.   It’s really frustrating.  I should be able to have control over my physical self.  I know it takes time, but it’s been months, probably a year and change, but nothing has changed as far as I can tell.  Which really upsets me.   I think about it and try different ways.   Try harder, which kind of scares me.

I certainly don’t want to go back to being 75ish pounds.  “Trying harder” could trigger some of the old behaviors or thoughts.  Okay, well it has, which makes it difficult.  I don’t believe everything I used to do as an anorexic was wrong.   (Dr. S reminds me that I’m still an anorexic.  I just have it under control right now… )  But, I did take things over the top.

I’m good at that.  Ask anyone.  I don’t just prove a point.
I take that knife and dig it in so deep that future generations can feel my point.
I do so even if I turn that knife in on myself.
… not that I have to worry about future generations at this point in my life.

I need someone who can catch me when I jump.  Someone who will be honest and frank.  Someone who calm my fire before I go nova but yet warm me when I become frostbitten.

Well, as you can probably tell, I’m trying to get over my do-nothing phase.   Don’t get me wrong.  I still don’t want to do anything.   I don’t want to sleep, but I don’t want to wake.   I don’t want to eat…  I just really still don’t want to do anything, but…  I’m really not one to sit on her hands, especially when it comes to myself.

I got to move.     That’s how I live.

Hence, the pretty long entry.

I could keep going on about my sister and her impending birthday, worries about the upcoming trip to Florida, and concerns about Bill’s health…  In a way, I kind of want to, but I also feel that I’ve really typed a lot here.