Can that sentence even be used without evoking a Tim Burton copyright?
The Nightmare Before Christmas is practically woven into our culture at this point.

Well, today is Halloween.
Disclaimer:  In no way is the title of this blog used in conjuncture with Tim Burton’s properties in any way, shape, or form.

Since mom and Bill retire to their room at five, I’m the designated candy-giver-outer.    That’s cool.  People did it for me.  I do it for them.  I’ve got a big bowl of Whoppers, mints, peanut butter cups, and white chocolate cookies and cream to give away.  I really need to give them away.    Amanda and Elmer don’t need any and I’ve grown fond of the Whoppers.

Anyway, my thoughts have been stuck on yesterday.  It involves food, of course.

We actually did a sister thing.
It was something she was looking forward to all week.
Together, we watched the movie adaptation of Down the Dark Hall.
It was a movie that neither one of us knew existed until a month or so ago.   It’s based on the novel of the same name written by Louis Duncan.

Back when my little sister used to listen to me… not that she doesn’t listen to me now, but it was a different type of listen…  I loved the book and shared it with her.   She loved the book, so watching the movie seemed to be a great thing to do.

Lately, I’ve been paying more attention to what I eat.   It’s not like anorexic levels, but I’ve become really aware of it and, unfortunately, feel that other people in my family are noticing that I’m becoming more aware.

My sister, I feel, is also becoming more aware.  Her last blood work showed a nudge towards diabetes.  She’s becoming careful… but not in a way I would call careful.  I think what happened to me and her doctor has her thoroughly convinced that it’s okay to eat whatever as long as it is in moderation.

What constitutes as moderation greatly differs between me and her.

Anyway, when with my sister, it’s usually the ‘go big or go home’ type of mentality.   Basically, it means do it right or not do it at all.

My sister and I tend not to have a lot of activities together like my brother and me.
She had it planned.

(WTF… I’m being spammed by people I don’t know and will never meet dressed up in costumes on my BS email.     delete… delete… delete…  )

Anyways… time two…  our gathering included breadsticks, a healthy amount of marinara dipping sauce, and a seven topping large pizza.

Think extra cheese, extra sauce, chicken, sausage, green peppers, tomatoes, and ham.  I’ve given up trying to do the mental gymnastics to derive a calorie count.

Between her and I, we ate everything save two breadsticks and about four slices of pizza.   The pizza is square cut, so they’re really not that big.

That was just… too much.
I don’t know why I ate that amount.  I knew I would regret it, but I did so anyway.   I don’t know..  Maybe I felt like I had to keep up with her or still have to prove that I can eat things like that.

Of course, I reasoned it out at the time.    It’s just for Amanda.  I hadn’t eaten anything all day.   I’ll be better tomorrow (today).  I’ll pay for it through extra exercise and eating little over the next couple of days.  …  Just a bunch of thoughts and excuses which are so familiar because I recognize them from the early anorexic days.

I strove for a negative balance between calories and exercise.  That became, in the beginning, a focus that I fully devoted myself to… and succeeded.  Twinned with the financial situation, I eventually stopped making excuses at all and simply did not eat.   The only real exception is if Jason made me noodles.   —  which was fairly infrequently.   He didn’t make them as much as I wish he did.

Getting back on track…   If I was another person, I would just accept what I did and move on.   I would be thankful for the time I spent with my sister (which I am) and just let it go.

Unfortunately, I’m not one to just let it go when it crosses over into something I consider really personal… like eating.   At one point, eating was not personal.   Rather, it was actually pleasurable.   Now… as Dr. S reminds me… anorexia will probably haunt me for most of my life coming in waves what I act on or don’t.  And there’s really not a right answer.

Slow Halloween.   There’s only been like six or seven kids.   I’m going to have an overflowing bowl of stuff left over.    No one says Trick or Treat any more.

Anyway, I got to get this out of my head without attempting to punish myself by denying food or overexercising, which I don’t know if I can do.  I guess that’s what the psychiatrist is for, but I tend not to listen to psychologists so much.     The trend is that I talk to them and they give me pills I try not to take.

Vicious circle, I know.

I’m good at vicious circles, even if I can’t draw one.
I’m hoisted by my own Picard.   — Yes, as in Jean Luc.

Anyway, I’m running out stuff to complain about today.

My new just started, so give me a fast minute.   It won’t take long.   It’s a 101 class.  Yay.

This doesn’t resolve anything, but I feel a bit better.

Thanks.