Wednesday

–  Cold – like the high of the mid to low 30s.  That’s about zero degrees in Celsius.  Good times.

I think I drove the truck for the last time today.  Well, the last time for a couple of months.   It’s supposed to snow and rain tomorrow.   I don’t really have a viable reason to leave the house, so I’ll stay in all day.    Something I rarely do, but I need to pack anyway.

I’ll chew my gum, drink my soda, and finish off the last three greek yogurts that are in the fridge.   No one else eats them.   It’s a shame to let it go to waste.  I’ll straighten my room and clean the house.    I’ll make sure all of my laundry is caught up.    For some reason, I’ve always had a type of a complex about leaving things undone when traveling.

I’ll probably take naps, watch anime, and pick a present for my House sister.  I’ll make sure my class is caught up just in case I don’t get to it on Friday.   That’s a complex too, honestly, left over from the life before.  Certain activities — have — to be in order.   Not a sentence out of place.  Not an assignment left ungraded.

And, I’m more than likely start stressing a bit about being reunited with Jason.

Truthfully, when I’m in Florida, I’m at least three different people.   There’s the one that wants to be a good girlfriend and try to fill in the holes that have occurred since I’ve been gone.  This girl puts the boy ahead of her.   She’s always thinking about his needs and they take priority over her own.  It’s easy for this girl to lose track of what she wants to do in the pursuit of trying to do what he wants to before he even knows he does.  This girl has no thought of her own.

There’s the girl who is overly anxious and nervous.   This girl tends to overeat, examine every little nuance, and pretty much wallows in self-misery.  This girl has to think about what she says, say it, examine what she says, and then monitors the body language of what she said on other people.  Well, not other people – just one person.

And then there’s the girl – the anorexic girl – who feels like she doesn’t deserve anything.   Any type of need or want is an imposition and not worth fulfilling.   This girl feels like she’s only good one thing – working – and she even does poorly at that.  Feeling unwanted and unloved, by her own perception, she is lonely, angry, and upset.

These girls can switch out of my body quietly and often without my knowledge.   They’re like overlapping gusts of wind, mingling together, sometimes apart, but always connected in some way.

The funny thing is that none of these girls are me.  They are not the person that I am right now typing to you.  This girl goes into semi-retirement the moment the plane touches down.

This isn’t fair to the boy.
I know it’s not, but even that feeds into the personas.  It’s the frustration of being in a difficult situation financially and in the relationship.

Despite the achy bones and massive headaches that winter gifts me, I feel like I’m doing pretty well right now.  Undeniably, I have a lot of support here and I think I’m finally trying to piece myself back together.

I’m a bit afraid that whatever progress I’ve made towards my authentic self will shatter in the Florida sunlight.

The boy won’t have anything to do with that.
I’ll do it to myself in a spectacular fashion.

And I will be ashamed and feel defeated.
I won’t cry.   I’ve cried enough, but I’ll feel like I’m bleeding soulfully.

The boy will probably never know.
I’ve been so physically and mentally messed up that I kind of doubt that he even remembers the girl he fell in love with.

I don’t know if she’s in me anymore.

Maybe we’ve just been staying together because we don’t know any different.
Maybe we’re together because we’re afraid of being lonely.
Maybe we’re together because…  just because there isn’t any reason.

I don’t know.
At one point, I thought I did.   I swore by the reason.  I nearly died for that reason.
I caused my family a lot of pain for that reason.

I think that I’m on a continual quest to really remember what that reason was.   It’s probably tied to my authentic self somewhere.    I’m sure it is.

Hence – why Friday brings its special brand of trepidation.

I will pull up my girl pants and continue on.
Boldly going forward, right?

Anyway, this is getting to be a bit depressing.

Even when I’m there, I need to remember that I have a lot of support here.    My sister is shopping discount gift cards for me to use.   My mom paid ahead for a couple of months of anti-depressants so I wouldn’t feel like I had to ration them.  My brother has continued to be my rock.

They’ll all be here when I return in February and, hopefully, but probably not, the winter will be on the way out.  At the very least, I hope to see some green in the iced tree limbs.

And, I hope, that this trip will contribute to my attempts to piece myself back together.    If successful, I know I should have an empty place in my heart for leaving the boy at the airport.

There must be a reason, right?
Why are we fighting to go forward?
Why are we fighting to be together when the world seems to want us apart?