I talked myself out of seeing a movie.
I heard that US was a psychological horror flick with tones of anti-socialism and groupthink.  It’s a bit bloody, kind of funny, and would take many viewings to catch the entire meaning.

I was going to watch it yesterday but sabotaged myself by staying too long at the gym watching Steins Gate Zero. ..  which is fairly awesome by the way.   I’m really enjoying it and it passes the time on the elliptical well.

But, I wanted to see US.  

It’s not because I didn’t have anyone to go with me.   I’m definitely not one of those girls that have to bring someone with me when I go to the bathroom, let alone a movie.   That’s just silly.

I mean, I would enjoy some company when seeing a movie.   I like the script and analogy dissection afterward if the person has the brain muscle to do so.   But, I also like sitting by myself and trying to piece it all together, especially if the theater is empty.  It’s like a special viewing experience that can’t quite be duplicated watching it at home.  Alone.. dark.. big theater…  sometimes, I’ll spend $10 on a diet soda, but most of the time no, but sometimes.

Besides, I’m kind of used to seeing movies like that by myself.   The little sister is certainly not into psychological movies.  When we see something, it’s like Power Rangers or City of Bones.    I think she wants to see the new Nancy Drew movie.    Yes, she’s over 30.

I would guess that baby brother would probably like them, but he’s scarred from the 80s hack and slash movies like Freddy Kruger.  If he sees ‘horror’ anywhere in the description, the movie is a hard pass.     I think Jason is a bit like that too.  Although, I did get him to see Queen of the Damned when it came out a couple of lifetimes ago.  I got him to watch Signs to, but that was about it.  I think he enjoyed that movie, but it’s not like jumped to watch anything else from that genera.

Meh on them.   There’s more to movies than kiddy and superhero movies.

I’m going to try for a saving throw for tomorrow.   Friday is the only other day I have this week sans siblings.  I’m going to get to the gym super early so I’ll be fairly exhausted and would have watched the rest of Steins Gate.  There should be absolutely no reason in the world why I wouldn’t pony up the $5 to see US.

Except, I probably won’t.   I already have this little nagging doubt in the back of my head that become louder and louder.  The nagger will say that I promised myself to see Pet Cemetery next week.   Why see two movies so closely together?  Don’t I know what my checking account looks like?  $5 may not seem like much, but it all adds up.  Decisions against small buys can lead to bigger bank accounts.  –  Which is true.

There’s the popular excuse that “I’ll watch it when it comes out on Netflix”  or Hulu.. or something else.  That excuse is equivalent to the “buy something when it’s on sale” excuse.  I become distracted.   Before I know it, I’m talking myself out of something else entirely forgetting about the “I’ll watch it later” idealism.  Which is kind of odd.

I’ve watched TV shows and anime at the gym (and only at the gym.  I don’t watch that stuff at home).  But, the only movies I’ve actually watched at the gym is the documentary about Bundy, my beloved Hot Fuzz, and Shawn of the Dead.  Otherwise, I steer clear of movies.

This whole talking myself out of stuff isn’t anything new.   I think I’ve done it most of my life, but it really came to a head when I was in my anorexia phase.  But, if I can talk myself out of eating, I can talk myself out of anything.

But, again… I shouldn’t have to, right? If I want to do something, I should be able to do it without seeking (and being denied) self-approval.

The downside is that I pretty much agonize over every decision that involves buying something.  The whole not eating was linked to that.   I was the only income and it was easier to just not buy or eat anything myself then to agonize over every little purchase.  I guess I could say that I sacrificing something for myself to make sure the mortgage was paid.   Avoiding small purchases can lead to a lot of saving.    Hence, former coupon obsession sprang from this.

All of this equates to a lot of time and energy wasted.  An internal agonization full of sound and fury that means nothing.   Nothing at all.

It sucks.  It really sucks, but I’m definitely not in a position to change.  What everyone else doesn’t give a second thought to, I dissect it for weeks before not taking action.

….   I think mom wants me to be baptized.  There’s this friend of her husband who has 80% heart failure.  He wants to be baptized, which is understandable.  If you feel like you’re getting ready to die, you make right with the world.   Okay.  I’m good with that.

But, she’s been talking about Madison, which is a cute town.  I’ve been invited to go and to talk to Judy the Pastor as well.

I don’t know.  It just feels like there’s an ulterior motive than to just enjoy a day in Madison while everyone is off doing church stuff.

How can I not feel somewhat suspicious after everything from the House?
Looking back at it now, religion was lumped in with brainwashing. I don’t know.  It’s complicated.

I know it would make mom happy if I was baptized and there’s some part of me that’s desperate for her approval.  What’s a little dunk underwater compared to that?

—  But, that would dishonor everyone who takes this stuff seriously.

I don’t know.
It’s weird.    Whatevs.

Little brother is off today, so my day is his.
I heard him moving around.  We’ll be leaving soon.

Peace. –