I was going to write something yesterday, but I was so rudely interrupted by a two and a half hour phone call………………….   Bleh.

In a way, I feel like I’m in a pretty good place in my life right now.
It’s certainly not perfect by any means, but I’m working (sorta), being a good sister, and being a good daughter.  I’m a faithful girlfriend and am working really hard not to be so suspicious of everyone…  which is really slow going.

To quote Saitama, “I’ll leave tomorrows problems to tomorrow’s me.”

Which is sooooo….. not me, but I’m trying.    It seems like that philosophy would save a lot of energy and headaches.

My personal happiness has come under question over the past week.
First, it was Dr. S –   Drug dealer (anti-depressant dispenser).    I try to be honest with her.  Dr. S has some respect from me because of her bluntness.  She doesn’t try to spare my feelings or sugar coat anything.   I’m a big girl.  I don’t exactly have a best friend, so I value someone who can be objectively blunt.

So, I shared with Dr. S about how feel like I’m trying to re-establish myself.    I’ve been horribly out of self-control over the last couple of years.  I feel like — I know — that I’ve been trying to please others while compromising myself.

I hate to say it but, in a way, it’s not exactly a bad way to be.    It’s certainly not good or great, but it’s kind of a relief to have all of the big decisions made.  Playing second fiddle to someone allows me to take a disinterested view while knowing, somehow, that everything would be okay for me.

Moreover, if something isn’t okay, someone else will handle it or tell me what to do.  As long as I keep doing what I do, everything else will just sort itself out somehow.

That is like my anti-personality but seems to be the path I’ve been walking for the past couple of years, rather I liked it or not.

I’m on auto-follow.

———–   I kind of wonder how this is how devout believers feel.    You know, the whole ‘God is my pilot’ thing.  Trust in Him and all will be well with your life.  Least, that’s the impression I get from listening to mom’s disembodied preachers.

Maybe this is kind of the lure of socialism as well.   From cradle to grave, everything is planned out and paid for.  Sure, bad things happen.  But, overall, the bad things don’t really mean anything.   Unfortunately, the good things don’t mean anything either.

Still, I feel like I’m loved and I’m definitely cared for.  I don’t have everything I want, but I’ve got everything I need.

I’m still working out some of my own internal issues.   I guess that doesn’t say much.   I’ll always be working on something.  I’m certainly not perfect.  Perfection can not exist in this world.    I firmly believe that as a person and an adjunct who’s had thousands of students at this point. That’s no reason not to try.

If I wasn’t trying to change or take control over something that’s me, I wouldn’t be me.

But, according to Dr. S, I’m not happy.
I’ve been seeing her for about two years and this is the first time she ever said that to me.   I took me by surprise.

So, I bounced it off Jason during our really long conversation last night.   He reminded me of the ‘real world,’ so to speak.  What I fought for and who I am, although I’m not sure who I am right – but I haven’t know who I am for a long time.   Maybe I’m getting used to it.

I guess I feel like I’m being pushed a bit.   That’s probably a good thing.   I can’t really afford to become compliant – or more compliant – than I am now, but the world is a scary place and I was burned pretty bad emotionally and physically.  I’m pretty timid and tame compared to what I was.  I don’t want to be hurt again. Least, I don’t want to be hurt that deeply.     I’m still recovering from the last time and I’ll probably always will be.

Hell, I recognize that it’s more than likely that I’d be taking anti-depressants for the rest of my life.  I’m always going to have issues with anorexia.  I’m always going to have issues with actually buying myself anything.

But, that’s all kind of on the backburner right now.   I don’t really have to deal with it and certainly don’t have to all the time.

Which, the old me would say that was a coward’s way out.
The current me is   mmmmeeeehhhhhh.

How well is a meh life worth living?

After seeing Dr. S, I did try to take a little bit of action.   I called my primary care and left two messages requesting a referral to find out what my new bump is.  I’ve carried it around for months and haven’t really thought about it (or tried not to think about it).  I felt I should take some sort of action even if it was just to prove that I could and can.

Primary care never called me back.    So far, I haven’t bothered to check into it further.   The additional push from Dr. S seems to have faded quite a bit.

But, I’m going to Florida next month.  In Florida, I’m a different me, but still not me.

I don’t know.   I’m confused.

Maybe that’s why I guess I’m not happy  (?)