How’s that for a clickbait title?   =)

I wasn’t throat punched at the cave.  As far as I remember, I’ve never been throat punched, thank goodness, but at times it has felt like it and left a hurtful dull bruise that lasts… well, it lasts for a really long time.

Backtracking a little… I can’t have children.  A couple of years ago, cancer was found, yadda yadda yadda.  So, I didn’t get to go through all of the drama of becoming pregnant, trying to decide on a name, and figuring out who would be considered the stern parent and the easy parent…. although I know I’d be the stern one by default.   Hopefully, that wouldn’t have been my main role… but that doesn’t matter.

Because it’s not going to happen.
Hello Cancer.

But, at times, I kind of wish I had a rugrat.   Maybe two, but at least one.  Sometimes, when I’m exposed to children — especially sweet children — it really bothers me on a sub-atomic level and that’s what happened at Marengo Cave.

Jason and I were starting our second tour.   I was pretty happy to be there as I really enjoy caves.   Not so much the standard blah blah blah from the guides as I’m well aware of what a stalactite and stalagmite are. but just being underground where it’s cool, quiet, and ancient.  It’s a nice treat for me that I get to indulge in once every fifteen years or so.

Well, there was a mom… I’m guessing it’s a mom… and she had four children with her.   Two girls, one boy, and a baby of unknown gender strapped to her front.

The baby, fortunately, slept the entire time.   I didn’t want to test the acoustics in a cave.  The boy was shine and hung mostly behind his mom.  He didn’t say hardly anything but watched people with saucer eyes.

The girls, however, were different.    First, there was Fiona.  I’m guessing she’s named after Shrek’s princess.  Fiona had dark skin, darker hair, and had absolutely no problems pirouetting on the smooth floor.   Or, rather she tried.    Several times she fell, sniffed, and got back up to try again during the whole tour.   I’m just glad she stayed on the path.  Overall, she kind of reminded me of a flower fairy spinning in the wind.

The other girl throat punched me.
She was probably about the same age as Fiona, if not a year or so older.   I couldn’t really make out the color of her hair or eyes except that it was lighter than her friend.  Her name was Macy and, I’m guessing Macy was a bit claustrophobic.

While the mom figure attended to one of Fiona’s slips while trying to keep the baby sleeping, Macy asked: “How do we know if there is oxygen down here?”

The mom rolled her eyes and pretended not to pay attention to the question, but the concerned quizzical look on Macy’s face prompted me to answer her question.

I went over to her… not even thinking about stranger danger… and told Macy to take a deep breath.    If she can, there’s plenty of oxygen.   Much to my surprise, Macy did just that.   She took a deep breath and smiled.

I assured her that, she ever fear that there wasn’t any oxygen, all she needed to do was take a deep breath and she’d know there was plenty of air for everyone.

Then, Macy asked why the ceiling wouldn’t fall on her.
I got her to look around at our group.   There was fifteen or so and told her that we wouldn’t be in the cave if we thought the ceiling would fall in.  She still looked uncertain, so I made a promise.

I promised her that if anything… anything at all was to happen… that I’d protect her.

Somehow, the promise of a cancer-stricken former anorexic satisfied her.   Macy actually held my hand…  it was so small!   Together, we went on the tour.

At some point, mom figure called Macy back and gave me a doubting look.    I was absolutely fine with that.   I would have been worried if stranger danger didn’t pop up on the mom’s radar.   Macy, the good girl she was, went back to her little group until we got to the place where we could throw pennies at the ceiling in an attempt to get them to stick.

Whatever change I had, I gave to Jason.   I’m sure he could stick a couple of Lincolns on the ceiling.  I was just watching everyone tossing and trying not to be hit by a gravity-fueled coin when Macy came back to me.

She had gathered some coins from the floor and provided me with a couple of pennies.  Together, we attempted and probably failed to reach the ceiling, but that didn’t matter.  Macy smiled and laughed.  Soon, I had an ample supply of coins and Fiona had joined us.  I caught myself smiling too.

Macy held my hand again as the tour started moving.  Apparently, the mom was satisfied or just didn’t care so Macy and I stayed together till the end.

We separated when the group emptied into the gift shop.  Macy went to the mom figure.   I found Jason.

I could finally see her clearly.  She smiled and didn’t say a word as mom figure distracted her with some geodes.

That’s when it happened.
Throat punched.

I would never see her again.  She wouldn’t see me.
That was that.  The tour was over.   Stranger danger was in full effect.

I couldn’t help but wonder if I had a daughter, would she be as wonderful as that little girl.

I felt soulfully ill and tired.
I felt ancient and cheated, but not mad.  Which is odd.

Just a little sorrow.
Just a little dead.

I can’t have children biologically.   Yeah, I know there’s adoption and other means, but I’m 40+ now and, should everything get worked out and money flowing in, I may be 50ish before I could realistically consider a child.

That’s just too long.   It’s too risky.  I’m getting too old.

Still….
What-ifs hurt.