No lie.
It’s been a rough couple of days.

I know how became rough.

Yesterday, I couldn’t stomach pizza and got sick in the evening.
Rewind.   It started with a mass headache on 2/17.   It was so bad that I literally couldn’t think and could barely see.    But, I am who I am so I kept going throughout the day.   It was Pizza Day Monday.   @ Pizza has $5 pizzas with five toppings.    Jason and I have made it into a weekly event.

After an entire day of failing saving throws, I burst into hot sweats after one bite.   I had to go home.   I just knew I had to go home and that’s where I got sick.

At least I made it inside so the constant neighbor wouldn’t see me spill my guts.  Despite the headache, I couldn’t help notice how my regurgitated pizza looked like canned cat food.

Yeah, my mind works in strange ways.

I think I got sick for one of two reasons.

Twenty-four-hour bug.
It happens.    After I purged, I felt words better after an hour.   The headache resided and the appetite came back.

or…

I did it to myself.
No, not intentionally.  Never intentionally.
But, the night before I mentally gut-punched myself.

Jason and I were at Publix.
I put some ice cream in the cart along with some Halos.   Jason picked me out some apples and I tossed some deodorant.

At some point, unconsciously….   I wasn’t even adding price tags in my head… it occurred to me that all that stuff… stuff that I’ll use and eat and Jason more than likely won’t touch… was adding to the total bill.

Not exactly spotlight moment, but it was a moment that I felt I was taxing our reserves on something that was for me.

That was the gut-punch.    Right there.  Hard.
Panic.  Anxiety.   Depression.   Upset.   Vrroooommmm…

So, I offered to pay for it.
My offer was declined.  I remember all the times when I fussed and became upset over stuff he bought for me during the anorexic years, I swallowed my pride.  We left.  I took care not to ask or look at the receipt.

Then, the next day I was miserable and sick.

I don’t know if it was a bug or if it was me.   If I had betting money, I’d bet that I made myself sick.

Which bothers the heck out of me.
It doesn’t matter that he wanted to buy that for me.   It doesn’t matter that I’ve gone $7000 in debt for the roof.   It doesn’t matter…   That’s just it.   It doesn’t matter.   There is some small space in the back of my head that couldn’t accept it and I was punished.

My mind is supposed to be over my body.    It certainly was this time in a way that wasn’t approved.   Mentally, I rejected what happened.   I felt guilty.   I felt bad.   And that happened.

I’m really timid about what will happen the next time I decide that I’m not worthy or shouldn’t have something…. something that others don’t think twice about.     I’m over 40 years old.   I shouldn’t have this happen to me.

It just… it just really upsets me that I couldn’t control it.
I can’t really describe it.

Moving forward today…  I missed the gym.   Tuesday has been gym day for the past month or so and I skipped it.   I was ill yesterday and convinced myself that it wouldn’t be healthy

Instead, I went looking for the one thing we couldn’t find at Publix.    Listerine floss head replacements.  There’s this handle that can reach to the back of the mouth.
They’re actually pretty difficult to find but I snagged two strips of replacements from CVS.

That felt satisfying as I feel that I actually paid part of the ice cream back

It’s late.
I’m going to sleep.  Nights.