I shoulda went to the gym today and then did some running, but I didn’t do that.   Instead, I spent two hours at the park making myself feel really silly.

You see, I spent a silly amount of energy on Wizards United trying to get a fracking owl lecturn to prepare for this weekend’s event.   It simply took forever.    I ran through all of my level 3 runestones and a good chunk of the level 4s.    I got it, but dern, it was expensive.

It reminded me of trying to get the last Yule program.  What a serious pain.    I did not like it all.   Not one little bit sam-I-am.

But, I was just outside for a couple of hours in the morning, but it was enough to call my freckles into full force.   Now, I feel kind of crappy.     I had planned to go for a walk again in about an hour, but I actually feel a little toasted.  It may not be such a good idea.

It was good to go to the park.
There were a couple of families riding around on their bikes.   Some kids playing in the river.   Some older couples were walking around holding hands — which I think is sweet. Course, they’re way smarter than I am and was out before it got to be too hot.   I watched people having little picnics bought from McDonald’s.   The homeless people who were camping off the main trail were gone too.

No one was wearing a mask.

It was just nice.    It seemed normal almost.

For the want of something better to do, I came home and took a nap.

Really, I haven’t been sleeping very well.    Last night wasn’t the first.   Just, this morning, I woke to the cover being totally flipped over.  Maybe it’s a good thing I’m sleeping by myself right now.   I’d probably kick Jason right out.

I should really be trying to enjoy my time right now.   Class is out until Tuesday.  =)

I’ve been back at this home for about a month and a half.   I’m starting to develop a routine again — which is good.    I like routines, to an extent.   But something else is coming back too.

My little inside voice.

Everyone hears voices, especially their own.    Well, this voice is helping to guide me through my day.   It usually says “no, no, no.   We didn’t plan on that.”  That keeps me from going somewhere or eating something that I’d probably regret later.  Maybe it’s my mastermind inner voice.

I find it rather comforting that it’s back as it disappeared during the House.
Those oppressive months destroyed it. Destroyed but not decimated.  The voice helps me feel that I have a micro amount of control over myself and what’s around me.   I’m thankful that it’s back, but it was also a controlling voice during anorexia.

“No, no, no, don’t eat that.   A new box cost $10” sort of thing.     The voice is absolutely honest.  But, I’ll just have to rely on those around me for support.    Which I hate.   I don’t hate the people but that I need people *sometimes* to keep me on track.

That loops back around to the personal strength thing I think I have.    If I’m strong enough, I don’t need anyone.   Rather, I have the power in reserve to help, not be helped.
Humility and I are not friends.

I know it’s a general life outlook, but I’m too old to change now.    I was raised way before Barnie was a thing.

My brain has also been giving a lot of thought to the African-American community.    I think that concept is silly.   We’re all part of the community.   Breaking it into pieces doesn’t really help, but people like to categorize things.

The ability to categorize things is very helpful.    It taps into critical thinking skills like analysis and evaluation.    It’s leads to the creation of the periodic table and the ability to link traits and behavioral preferences to provide a picture of the past.

When used correctly, it helps promote patriotism, creates cliques, and family bonds.    By thinking that we’re all alike in some way is self-imposed stereotyping.    A person’s name carries its own set of societal expectations that are unknowingly inflicted on the person as they grow.

For example, if you meet a girl named Sakura, you would probably categorize that person as having some sort of Asian influence — even if she doesn’t have any connection.  That girl could grow up thinking that her self or soul is related to Asian ideology.   Or, rather, it could be the opposite.

We’re all searching for ourselves.    We’re constantly trying to define our limitations.  Who we are.    Sakura could think that she should have the personality characteristics of Cardcaptor Sakura or the Sakura from Naruto.   Those self-made connections, even if made during the young years, can color someone’s personality for the rest of her life.

So, stereotyping can be good and bad.

What is bad is assumptions.
Just as making connections can help us understand, simply accepting those connections without thought — assuming everyone is right — especially not knowing who everyone is and how long ago the connections are made — is lazy.

People are relying on others to think and pass judgments for them instead of thinking for themselves.

For example, if I go to a playground with a lot of children, the groupthink is going to label me as a mother who has a child playing.   In reality, I can’t have children.   If I’m watching children play, I’m probably having a self-pity party.

But, if a single dad is watching children play, some people are going to think he’s a kidnapper or a pedophile.

Of course, there are other factors like wealth and physical appearance.  An overweight blue-color factory worker would be more likely to be considered a pedophile than a young Tom Sellick.

Epstein flew under the radar for how long before his sex ring was brought to light.   There we go.

The connections are crazy and certainly without merit – most of the time.

But, looping back to how stereotypes and labeling can define, a factory worker may have tendencies of a pedophile because he is treated that way.

He is subjected to groupthink and falls into that hole.

Independent thought (but not original because that doesn’t exist) can be difficult.   But, without it, we’re just responding to the world.   We’re not actually living in it.

But, it’s groupthink and hive mentality that has kept the world together.   Sciences.  Literature.  Who we feel safe around and who we don’t.    The feeling that we can trust family even if that isn’t true.

It’s applied too much.   Too thickly.   Independent thought isn’t taught in schools or encouraged in the culture.  Most of the people who think that they’re thinking for themselves is just buying into a different type of groupthink.   Just going with the flow.

They want to stand out, but just not stand out alone.

It’s crazy.
People are not valued for themselves but are valued by what society thinks of them.

It’s confusing and I’m definitly rambling.