It’s been a while since I’ve wrote.

Well, things have been kind of topsy-turvey since Jason left for Florida a couple of weeks ago.

Summary:
– Well, I got new glasses.
They were sold as bifocals although they have three phases of viewing. I think the more accurate term is trifocals.
They’re lineless. You’d never know by looking at them but you could by looking through them.

My eyesight had degraded a ‘fair amount’ according to the doctor. I lost three clicks – whatever three clicks are.

In itself, not a big deal. But, my dad wore trifocals for years – with and without lines – before he became legally blind. I thought I’d have laser eyes or something by now.

Not only is it a sign of being older, but not achieving goals I set for myself some twenty years ago.

Um… New phone.
This is good. There isn’t any screen burn in and it runs a bit better than the last one that was three generations old.

But, mom is paying for it again. – Downside.

— I bought myself an Ottorbox and Sony headphones for it. I couldn’t use my wired earphones any more. Well, I could with an adaptor, but thought might be time to ‘get with it.’

Although getting with it has caused a considerable amount of pain.

I climbed up on a stair stepper at Planet Fitness and was doing my thing and watching Lucifer on Netflix. The left ear bud fell out and I thought “Oh no, there goes $80!”

Course, money would be the first thing to come in mind because I was carrying horrible guilt for actually buying accessories for my phone. That’s about how I am when I buy anything for myself. That’s the way I’ve been rolling since around the anorexic years. Actually, I think my in ability to buy anything for myself without a massive guilt trip is directly related to anorexia.

.. but, that’s for another blog.

Anyways…. I hit slow but stopped moving my feet. Not to smart. Absolutely not. My upper arms latched to the hand rails so I wouldn’t fall – and I didn’t. But now the biceps on both arms hurt and hurt a lot.

Not my shoulders. Not my back, although I did hear a worrying pop. Just my muscles.

Given the circumstances, I’m fairly pleased that my arms could hold the weight of my body — even if it was for 30 seconds while my brain panicked.

Well, my brain didn’t panic. I had a slow motion Matrix moment while that happened. I knew I’d hit the wrong button. I knew that I should have kept moving. I knew that the earbud didn’t fall to a place that it could be stepped on.

I knew all this but I played stupid anyway.

A lot of crap to go through to test arm strength — by avoiding arm strengthening machines until the frickenn pain goes away.

Which brings us to the cortozone shot (shots?)?

Mom strongly advises that I should strongly take them into consideration. If warranted by a doctor, the shots could make my pain just disappear.

Well, I have a strong dislike of shots of any type. Despite my hundreds upon hundreds of blood draw, my stomach still flip flops. I’m never going to get use to it even if it would help pain go away.

And, personally, I don’t think anything ever dis-a-ppears.
That’s just basic truth. When energy is created, it doesn’t un-create. If there’s a cause, there’s an effect. If the pain from my arms go away before it’s time to, how will it manifest itself?

I know that’s kind of an odd application of science, but – karma. If I can stand the pain, which I can, why not just wait for it to go away….

…. because it’s almost time for me to return to Florida. I’d rather not return with the mental mindset of a handicap.

I tend to speculate for weeks about what I want to do (mainly house improvements) before I get there. Sometimes, I’m disappointed but sometimes I’m not. I give it a shot, but I can’t do that when I essentially have t-rex hands. I can’t hold a paintbrush that way or scrub out a bath tub.

In my head, I’d essentially be useless but sucking on resources like water, food, and electricity. I’m doing that here, but there’s less of an impact to mom and the bills than there is in Florida.

Course, this could be an opportunity for Jason to take care of me. That can be charming in its own right. But, I tend not to be the type of person who likes to be taken care of.

I’ve been through a whole lot of stuff mentally and physically. For some reason, I find someone ‘taking care of me’ to be offensive. It’s like having someone close the car door because of my t-rex arms is just one stop away from being back in a wheelchair.

The rational side of my brain knows that that isn’t true. It’s the Slippery Slope. That’s irrational.

But – I find myself unwilling to compromise. Pride, stubborness, and onriness gets in the way.

It’s okay for others, but it’s not okay for me. That’s a very uncomfortable position I hold myself to.

Rationally, I’m aware of it. But, it is what it is.

One day I may change, but not now.

And, while I’m rambling, can’t help but wonder if I wasn’t somewhere knowing what I was doing and harmed myself on purpose.

Bill (mom’s husband) will be starting chemo this Wednesday. While his cancer isn’t nearly as pronounced as dad’s was, I’m thinking that there could be some lingering guilt from before. Maybe, I want to be here to help… although there isn’t really anything to help with.

For dad, everyone worked. They had to juggle his care and his doctor appointments. He was in a really bad place since it was stage four.

For Bill, mom isn’t working. She can take him to the doctors without hassle and he isn’t one once as bad as dad was.

Different situation. Different people.
Same guilt.

While, at the same time, it’s not right to leave Jason hanging out there. That’s worth a whole other blog.

So, would I unintentionally sabotage myself?

Yes. Yes, I would.
I’ve had great success doing that in the past, much to my regret.

So… so, I really don’t have any answers.

Except that I don’t like this new WordPress format. I can’t see how many words I’ve typed. Grammarly doesn’t seem to play nice with this any more either.

And, sometimes it kind of sucks to be an INTX – despite how I try to down play it in my personality.