I’ve got to say that I’ve been a bit of a mental and physical wreck over the past few weeks.

Um… who am I kidding? Over the past couple of months.

It’s hard to admit it, but it’s becoming so obvious that I can’t even deny it.
Sad. Uneasy. No matter how much I prop myself up to be the bull in a china shop, I’m pretty weak sometimes.

At least today is a plus.
I haven’t taken a naps today, yet, which is really a perk. It’s kind of difficult to get anything done during a day when I have naptimes that would make a kindergardener jealous. – I’m getting plenty of sleep, so these are depression lead naps.

Sometimes, my brain feels numb and just – stops. It feels like it stops.
If I push through it, I develop a huge headache. It’s not just huge. It’s uuuuuggggeeeee and consums my head. Literally, it feels like half my brain is undergoing contractions while on fire. It’s best just to sleep for a while.

But, I shouldn’t have to sleep.

I have difficulties making decisions. Literally, “I don’t know” or “I don’t care” are the first things that come out of my mouth when I’m asked about anything – anything at all. It’s just automatic. It just happens and immediately after, my brain feels like it’s suspended in organic cotton. You know, the real organic kind that is still dirty and has seeds.

Anorexia.. I think it’s lurking.
I’m not feeling hungry although I know I should. – Save yesterday. I overate on Pappa John breadsticks.
Anything that my brain consideres to be too acidic, too salty, or too spicy, makes me feel ill for hours and hours. For example, if I have pizza at five, I’ll feel ill until the next morning.

I drink milk, suck on Tums, and eat popcorn to try to combat that feeling, but it only works half the time.

Dr. S, my psychologist, prescribed additional medicine to the prozac, gabapentin, and whatever else I take. I made the mistake and looked at the side-effects. Coughing and yellowing skin I can deal with. But, it can also lead to weight – gain. –

I don’t know why Dr. S even perscribed that. She knows I’m not going to take it. It may be effective and help be push some pieces back together, but… weight gain? No. If I’m going to purposely gain weight, it’s going to be because of burgers and ice cream. Not over some stupid pill that may or may not help me feel stable.

Gaining weight right now would probably be a lot more mentally harmful than what the pill could cure anyway.

But, but, but, today is better.
I actually cleaned the house a little, caught up on all the homework (for the moment), and am starting dinner here in a few.

If it wasn’t for that, I think I had convinced myself to walk to the maul.
Express is supposed to have a good sale right now and I could use another pair of jeans. — Providing I can talk myself into spending the money to buy them. But, that’s a debate I would have to allow myself the privledge to have.

I’d like to take some time for myself – get my nails done, do a little shopping, have a Starbucks. It’s absolutely silly how I’ve been craving a mango dragonfruit, a very berry, or a skinny hot chocolate. Maybe even a macchiato. Amanda has me so spoiled. =(

!! Time for dinner.
Gonna make some turkey burgers and fries.

Yeah… Today is a little better than yesterday and even the day before.