This is strange.
As you can tell from the non-unique way I date my entries, it’s been a couple of months since I posted.

It’s not that I’ve forgotten about it or haven’t wanted to.
Rather, I just didn’t.

I struggled to do the activities I like and, as time went on and the situation changed, I kind of gave up on it.

I was being swallowed and got to the point where maybe I was just being digested by the enviroment around me.

I slept a lot. I felt ill most of the time.
Had odd periods of being really energetic and happy balanced by others when I didn’t say anything.

The activities I did for self-regulation, reflection, and stress-release just all dried up.

Yeah, I was being swallowed.

But, to be fair, a lot was going on.
A lot, a lot.

There was the election, Covid, and then several major changes happened in Jason’s life. He started a new job and quit an old one. A branch fell on the car and we didn’t get it back for a month. I’m not doing it justice. A lot of stuff happened. Hopefulness struggled with changes, despair, and depression. Feeling like I was going to puke all the time and being mentally stunted didn’t help either. Devoting time to his mother became a big thing for me for a while.

I can understand and support why he would want to spend time with her, but I’m not sure why I was along for the ride. Yes, I’ve known her for years, but I’ve never felt a close connection with her. Having to spend each and every Sunday with her was a bit much, even if it was a free mall court lunch. I never accepted basically ruining a day and becoming a walking meat sack vaguely nodding at whatever she said.

I think I could tell I was changing. It got to the point where Dr. S became concerned.
My psychologist perscribed additional medication to go along with the Prozac… which I didn’t take. Partily because I don’t know who I am and mind-altering drugs would make it that much difficult to figure out. Partily because one of the side-effects is weight gain. That was a strong nope and nope from two major sides of my personality. That was at least two months ago and I still haven’t taken it.

But now, Persophene (me) has returned to gray Indiana to bring spring.
Spring is coming… rather, it’s well under way. The trees are budding leaves. Bulbed flowers are about and coming up. Idiot local government wasted money on planting pansies on street corners. There are robins with hummingbirds sure to be on the way. Spring would, unthinkedly, come without me being here, but I like to pretend to supervise. There’s nothing quite like watching the sleeping return.

That’s not saying that spring doesn’t visit Florida.
It does! Just not as dynamically. It’s more of a whisper than a roar.

So, I’ve been here for four or five days now.
I’ve only had one can of soda – Diet Mt. Dew – since then. Which, I think is great. I felt like I was becoming way to reliant on soda… even if it was Mt. Dew Zero — which is far superior and difficult to find comared to Diet Dew. I think I was starting to feel sick, so I turned to chocolate milk — which wasn’t the best option, even if it did help settle my stomache. Water! Why not just water! Cause, for some reason, I have a mental block against drinking water except at the gym.

So, here, someone gave mom some Diet V-8 Splash. It tastes like fruit punch. I’ve been drinking that.

Mom, Bill, and little sister all said “You lost weight” when first seeing me.
For most, that would be a compliment. For an anorexic, it’s like punch in the kidney. Hence, a struggle. Yes, I want to lose weight for medical reasons, but I’d kind of prefer if no one said anything. Discussions about my weight loss (or gain) reopens anorexia wounds that just don’t settle well in my brain pan. So, to be on the safe side, I kind of make a show about eating in front of mom. A, I don’t want to worry and B, I want her to get all the way off my back about this. — Like that’ll happen, but I’ll give it a shot.

The last two days, I spent exploring a local park and downtown. Outside of some empty windows and still closed inside playground, everything seems to be in order. Someone went through the park and cleared out all the underbrush and weeds. I guess the people I saw living there last year won’t be back. Their campsite is fully explosed to anyone on the trail.
There’s a couple of runners here and there. The bathrooms are still closed. Lots of dogs.

Obviously… I’m writing this. I’m struggling to get my mind back on track.
Tomorrow, gym with baby brother.

Yeah, that means waking up at 6am.
Which, before, wasn’t a problem at all. But, I changed so much in the past six months that I’ve become somewhat of a night person. Waking up that early is going to be a challenge, but I guess that’s what alarm clocks are for. Surely, I can start doing that again.

Saturday… who knows?
But, today is just quiet and rainy.

Okay. I know I’m not going to be here forever.
So, how can I avoid being swallowed?

— Go to the gym.
Even if Jason doesn’t like it, I can still go. It wouldn’t hurt to leave him alone for three or four hours every other day.

— Write
Just keep writing, writing, writing. After all, it’s part of who I am.

— Set up some boundries.
If I want to go to the gym instead of being a nodding meat sack at his family outing, I should go to the gym instead of feeling bored and miserable for the evening. Not that I’d dodge every week, but some.

— Nag more.
Yeah, this is a funny one.
At times, when Jason asked what I wanted to do and told him – he turned me down.
Maybe I should be more presistant in doing what I want us to do instead of feeling like tumor on the couch.
– It’s a very nice couch, but still – tumor. Or just go out by myself.

I’m not afraid of doing things by myself.
I shouldn’t expect him to just follow along and surrender pieces of myself when he doesn’t want to do it.
Likewise, it would be nice to have some of my suggestions taken seriously instead of being dismissed out of hand.

Problem – solution.
If someone doesn’t want to try or at least try to find a solution, it’s not really a problem, whatever it is.

So… tada… Per-sephon-e is back in the house.
It’s time to rediscover the earth me instead of the hell me. =)