I guess this is another lazy day.

I’ve caught up on my homework.
Good start. I could have went out and stressed about getting a dragon page to silver, but I didn’t.

It’s like 50 degrees outside and 30 tonight.
Plus, I walked some 190% yesterday. My back and knees are aching. Generally, I’m in a good mood – just feeling a little put out. It’s supposed to be in the 60s and 70s for the next two days. I’ll do some exercising then. Get out… do something.

I got the dentist for the first time in three or so years.
I haven’t been back since that one idiot pulled out a wisdom tooth. — I have osteoporosis.
Voluntarily, let alone involuntarily, cracking any bone is a big risk. It could cause micro-fractures. The dentist knew this.. but did it anyway, assuring me that it would be fine.

Okay, so it was fine, but I know better than to listen to authority figures. This new dentist is someone little sister went too a couple of times and said she pretty good. Still, I’m dreading it. It’s not because I’m afraid of what she may say. Like I told Jason, after being told I have/had cancer, a cavity is a moot point.

I can handle the pain — for the most part. Teeth pain is a bit different than muscle and bone aches and pains, but I know I’ll deal with it.

I guess it’s just the feeling of vulnerability.

I’m just laying there on an uncomfortble chair with people floating in and out.
Cold water being squirted in my mouth and the scrape, scrape, scrape. I can hear that, I hope they know. Meh.

Maybe, just maybe, this will be the excuse I need to buy myself lunch.
Wouldn’t count on it, but maybe.

I really don’t mind lazy days. If I do it right, it’s like a brain massage.
If there’s stuff I want to do or feel like should be done, I become highly upset if I can’t accomplish that goal.
I’ve gotten better about that – not being upset – but still have a ways to go. It’s an ongoing mission = to change who I am.

I’m not very good with evolving, I suppose. It’s an all or nothing. All one way or the other.

You know what I should do? Visit dad’s grave. I haven’t been there for a couple of years.
I pretty much know exactly where it is. Well, down to the block area. He’s by a tree and about the fourth or fifth gravestone in. The flowers I left him where last are fake. They should be bleached by the weather or stolen by now.

My dad and mom went through a lot.
Mom was the youngest of several children grandma had by several men. She begged for money and stole corn from farmer’s fields.
Dad was an only child who watched his mom accidently burn when he was little. Kicked out of the house by his step-mom, he spent years in a Catholic orphanage in the 50s. — Not the best of times. They’re still literaly finding dead bodies buried in old orphanage yards. But, dad survived with scars and went on to pretty much work himself to death — not counting the cigarettes.

Here I am having anxiety about the dentist when he didn’t have any teeth at all. Not even one.

I know I’m privledged by comparison, although I have my own wounds too. But, I’m not as privledged as some, but more than others.

And the world just keeps spinning, spinning, spinning.

And we are really, nothing more than dust.
No matter how much society stresses that we’re all unique, we’re not.
There isn’t a monument built for everyone who has survived a stubbed toe. A street isn’t named after people who survive domestic abuse. Remarkable people are to the point where they are dreadfully unremarkable.

Shame, really.