Lazy day.

True, I had some homework to do earlier.
It kept me fairly busy this morning but I got over it.

Now, it’s just after 3 and I’m just completely lazy. Just lying here in my bed. Doing some plotting for tomorrow.

– Gym – early.
Maybe go to Target.
If it’s not cold, I might walk around the park. After all, spring is still rolling out there and it is beautiful.

I’ve thought about walking around today, but it’s a bit nippy out there.

It is such a blessing that I can have lazy days.
Before, I was always pushing myself to work harder and better. After the house, I went to the gym or tried to test myself physically every day. I didn’t feel satisfied unless I felt exausted by bedtime.

Since I’ve gotten back from Florida, I feel I’m just more… laid back?
Maybe the better term is less ambitious.

If I don’t start the day with some sort of plan or need, I tend not to do anything at all.
Some part of me feels that it’s a complete waste and there’s a self-anger ember burning brightly.

But, there’s another part accepts that whatever I do won’t change… anything.
I’ll still feel and think that I’m fat. The world is still messed up. I’ll never be fully satisfied with what and who I am. Why not roll with it?

I don’t have to be fighting all the time, do I?

Besides slacking off at the gym, I’ve really slacked off gaming.
For the past week, I’ve barely logged into FF:BE, GoW, and Disney Heroes. Actually, I totally skipped GoW yesterday. I had to play a little bit of catch up on the current campaign. I don’t think I’ve logged into Heroes today at all.

There’s a bonus assignment in Wizards United that probably wouldn’t be too hard, but be a serious time sink. I’d have to go hunting spiders. Again, not a big thing, but the rewards aren’t motivating enough to actually make me go out. Shame, really, but I’m still here.

I kind of blame all this on PQ3.
Adding another game to my mobile line up is just too much.
I want to play the games I’m interested in well, but I never want my life to be consumed by games again. Never again.
Although they’re all different games, I just don’t want to spend the day completely looking at my phone screen.

When I first came to Indiana, I totally devoted myself to all of these little games and just felt sour for doing so. I also think it’s why my right shoulder started blazing. I was hunched over the phone for too long and too much. The shoulder still hurts now, but not as much. I coud use a nice massage.

For some reason, I feel like I have to keep up with Jason.
I like to pretend I can keep up with him on some games – be equal or better.
That way, when he’s rattling off about something, I’ll have some inkling or opinion about what he’s saying. I guess it’s a way of connecting.

Since he’s a non-physical presence here, the intensive time I applied to some of these games just doesn’t hold my interest. Well, it does, but not to where I want it to consume 90% of my day and thoughts.

I don’t know why I always feel like I’m trailing him on some things.
It’s not a battle. It’s not a race. Maybe it’s just a concentrated effort to feel accepted in something he’s interested in. Kind of like the girlfriend watching football because the boyfriend does. But, I actually care about it.

Games can be mentally engaging and are actually benificial to the learning process and critical thinking.
– Yup, I’m huge into gamerification.

(I wish Grammerly worked with WordPress. I think I turned it off and not sure how to turn it back on.)

Anyways… I’m kind of concerned about Friday.

When I described my headaches I have sometimes to my doctor, she set me up for a CAT scan.

I’m not worried about my brain being radiated.
Heck, I’ve gone through enough x-rays to become Ms. Banner. Not a problem there.

But, if they don’t find anything, then my headaches are probably related to mental health I’m guessing.
Maybe my anxiety has gotten to the level that if I don’t want to deal with something, I just shut down. That could also explain a lot of the naps I take in the morning – just right after breakfast.

Sleep and migraines can be defense mechanisims.

If they find a tumor or something, it’ll almost be a relief.
Then I’ll know that it’s really in my head and not just in my mind.
I know I’m medically crazy.

……… Now, I got to get out tomorrow.
Just booked an appointment to have my face shaved.
I really need to get my nails done too.
One thing at a time.