May is my month.
It’s always been my month. It always will.

The cold is gone. The heat has yet to arrive.
Life is living.

I’m stuck between fat and thin, sane and crazy, old an young.
May is my balance that I do not have.

I also always thought that if I were turned by a vampire or went off on a harrowing outer space adventure, it would be in May. It’s just my kind of thing.

Today… Today, I went walking downtown and walked I did.
I didn’t achieve either of my goals, but that’s okay. So what if I didn’t get all my spider earrings or ridegeback dragons? There’s still a day left to the event and there will be other events. I’m seriously not sweating this.

When I go walking for a while, I tend to come prepared.
I have a drink, a granola bar, and enough change in my pocket to buy a 44 ounce Big Gulp just in case. I got to reiterate, I don’t eat out that much when I’m by myself. The spending of money and intake of calories tends to beat any type of hunger pains I may have.

But, today, I was tempted.

The ramen place smelled good. The pizza place was busy and I could smell the tomato sauce from across the street. There were actually people walking around with waffle cones from the historic ice cream place. And, yeah, I was hungry so I explored my options.

I’m getting older. I should be able to eat lunch without worrying about my bank account or my circumference that much. The granola bar just wasn’t cutting it. The reasoning is there.

I didn’t see anything that really grabbed my attention in Dairy Queen. Pizza place and ice cream place was right out of my budget. I considered going back to the gas station and buying an overpriced rice crispy treat but talked myself right out of that.

Hot dog place – bleh. I would have went to Subway but it’s till Covid closed.
McDonalds it is.

I didn’t want a not-so-value value meal. Just something to snack on and thought – hey – I could try a strawberry pie or an apple pie for a whopping dollar. I could handle that but I failed the saving throw.

I walked out of the bathroom and right infront of me was a family of four having dinner.
Not a problem. Families should eat together, especially when there are kids.

But, the child in a pink and yellow dress was scary overweight. Her ankles where nothing more than just a line created by the flesh dropping from her calves. She was noshing on some kind of burger. Her mom…. guessing it was her mom… was so big that she couldn’t sit on the stool. She was half sitting and half standing while shoving those delicious but oh-so carb filled french fries into her mouth.

I couldn’t clearly see the two people behind them.

Um… yeah. That was more than enough to toss an apple pie (or anything else) off of my snack list.

“Nope.”

And I left.
Actually, becoming hungry was one of the things that drove me home to turkey sandwhich and a bag of popcorn.

I can’t believe how difficult it is for me to do something like this.

It’s been five years since I’ve been out of the House. I’m definitly not in any danger of even being close to my anorexia weight again.

But, I still don’t have that mental stability that would allow me to just buy lunch when I’m out and about — like 99% of normal Americans. Of anyone, really.

It feels like an immoviable bolder in my head. Wide. Unscalable. Long as a lifetime.

It’s probably nothing.
Any health conscious person may have had the same reaction. Or maybe not. It could be just me.

Still… turkey sandwhich is better and it was time for me to go home anyways.

Dunno.
Peace out.