Welp…

I’ve ran through every test from the doctors outside of two.
I have a mammogram and bone density test on Friday.
Or, as I have it in my head, a bone and boob test.

I’m pretty sure I’m going to pass those with flying colors too.

This really leaves me wondering why I was so tired, pukey, and plagued with massive migranes for the six months I was in Florida.

Mom continues to think that I got into somethnig I’m allergic to despite passing allergy tests.
I honestly don’t think it’s that. Rather, I think it is something mental.

I think the longer I stayed the more miserable I made myself.
There was something in the situation that really weighed on me. I had started to shut myself down again. Not by anorexia, but by making it so I wouldn’t have to deal with whatever was going on. I was trying to make myself a non-entity.

That’s really disheartening on a lot of different levels.
Honestly, it is. I was making something out of nothing. The environment was becoming toxic.

Maybe I was mentally allergic to… something.

If I mentioned this to Dr. S or a shrink, I’d probably be told to drop Florida and stay in Indiana.
I haven’t had any negative effects here — save from binging on Youtube WAY too much. First, it was “scary” short films. Now, it’s clips from the Harley Quinn cartoon. (Who is Kite Man? Is that a call back to Arthor from The Tick?)

So, I really can’t talk to a professional about this and I know not going to Florida isn’t an option. I’ll have to go back sometime although the physical state I was in has made me a bit shy of it.

I have to really tap into my internal mastermind – the one I’ve been fighting with for the past five years – to figure out what I was allergic to.

I have some ideas.
I have some potential remedies.

But, I won’t know how they work out until I actually try them.

…. um… Mom is having the bathroom remodeled. They’ve been here for almost 12 hours and they’ll have to come back another day to redo the flooring.

The guys seem nice enough although they swear occasionally. I can understand that. This has turned out to be more than what they thought it would be. Since they didn’t give mom a firm price when they started, I’m a little apprehensive about how much this going to put her back.

But, I’m not obsessed about it. Mom has hired this guy before and has a good feeling about him. She doesn’t feel that he’s going to screw her over or anything.

If it was Florida me, I would be very critical and upset.
I don’t have that objective distance there as I do here. Or, rather, I didn’t have it last time.
I need to somehow regain that… but how?

I think I have that here because this isn’t my house. I don’t want to oppose mom and make her upset.
I know that it’s stable here. It doesn’t effect me.

There, last time, I think everything effected me. I didn’t handle it well and tried to turn myself off.

So…. I’ll have to do something. Change my attitude.
Just, something. But, I’m not going to change myself any more.

Way over that.
I don’t know who I am now