I’m trying to decide if I messed up today.

I didn’t go to the gym. Rather, I slipped out and went to a local park. It started raining and I keep walking until I was fairly drenched. I made my step count goal but have been battling a bit of a headache ever since. I also haven’t been able to feel warm.

That seems to be a reoccurring theme over the past couple of weeks. I’m cold. Honestly, the only time I feel warm is right when I wake up and am enveloped under the comforter. But, that doesn’t last long as my temperature rises and becomes quickly hot.

I’m guessing that it’s the weather and lack of estrogen that are working together to make me uncomfortable. My hands and feet are, particularly, feeble. But, that’s what lotion and aspirin are for I guess.

I blame the weather. It’s been cold and rainy. I would expect that this temperament, especially over weeks, is more like London than Indiana. When (should) I visit the U.K… particularly Scotland and Ireland.. I’ll have to plan my visit carefully to only have pleasant and warm days.

Of course, I can’t help but think that age could be a contributing factor. Time marches on and my month… I reserve the entire month for myself… is just around the corner. I guess it’s not really age but what comes with age. It’s certainly not intelligence or wisdom, as I had hoped. But, the breakdown of my physical form is very irksome, at best, worrisome, at worse.

My innate scoliosis is more like a companion as it has lived with me and within me for over thirty years. However, I expect that it is part of the reason why my back has numb tingles and my left shoulder aches on most days. But, I take that to be more my fault than my genetic hiccup. I know that I don’t hold myself high and take my spine into consideration. Rather, a lot of time is lounging on a bed or sitting slumped over a keyboard – just like now. This is my fault.

But, the osteoporosis, arthritis, and cancer inhabited my body too early. I may have encouraged the osteoporosis through anorexia but I do not take the blame for the other two. That wasn’t through my doing. I suppose, however, if the cards were dealt and I could not change the hand, it was better to take these ailments earlier rather than later. Yes, they cause additional pain and doubt. But, it’s better to manage it with a younger mind rather than an older one. Maybe, just maybe, these bodily inhabitants will provide wisdom when I have failed to do so for myself.

Two new residents have entered over the past week. The first is high cholesterol or, more formally, hypercholesterolemia. Truthfully, I dismiss this one. Naturally, through my self-will and lingering anorexia shadow, I don’t place myself in the shadow of this one and I think my doctor agrees with me. In six weeks, I will be tested again and I am confident that this is just a puff of mist.

But the other… I believe. A companion to arthritis, sacroiliitis is on the rise. I’ve felt it within me for months as it has caused pain, some sleepless nights, and some difficulty walking. Even before that, I could feel something when I walked. I knew it was there before I knew it existed and had a name. Sacroiliitis will be another companion. Much like arthritis and scoliosis, it will be with me always.

Even if the sun no longer shines, I will have my companions of pain…. and nearsightedness. I don’t think that’s going anywhere either.

I guess, in a way, that I can rely on the pain more than my family, Jason, or even the existence of a sane society.

Despite strides of complexity and understanding, I am basic, simple, and primal.

… and that’s okay.
I’ll never be alone.