On Tuesday, I traveled to Indianapolis for a mammogram.
It’s pretty routine and necessary. My dad had died of cancer. My aunt died specifically of breast cancer. Of course, I’m a cancer survivor myself.

I believed that nothing would be found. But, I still felt a bit apprehensive about the testing. I’ve been wrong before when making major life decisions and it’s best to be safe than sorry.

Still, somehow, I just knew. After cancer, anorexia, arthritis, and a host of other issues, I like to believe I’ve become in tune with my body. If and when something is wrong, like when my hip gave out, I knew exactly what it was. More importantly, I could feel it before it actually happened.

It’s kind of like when I can feel the weather changing before it happens. There’s a specific ache that radiates from the metal bars in my spine. Over the years, I’ve adjusted and learned. I can often feel the change in the air a couple of days before it actually happens.

I don’t know what this would be called, exactly. I just can feel it.

And, I didn’t feel like I have cancer. At least, not right now and I knew I would clear the test.

When texting the significant other, I said that “I don’t feel like I have cancer” and that there wasn’t anything to worry about. Honestly, it was nice to put it in writing. When something is written, I feel that there’s more of a chance that it would become true. It’s also reassuring, I think, to both of us. I would like to assume that he shares some of my apprehension when it comes to these sorts of things.

He texts back:

“Ummm… what would that (cancer) feel like?”

“Yeah, yeah… too literal of an interpretation? I think I need some caffeine. lol”

For some odd reason, that just totally set me off.
I took those words and found nothing but insincerity twinged with a bit of cruelty. I dwelled on them for hours becoming more upset with each passing moment.

How dare he make light of an illness that had claimed multiple lives of my family?
What was the ‘lol’ for? Should I wish for cancer on myself so I could give him a play-by-play physical and emotional reflection of what it feels like to have a murderous disease?

Way, way, way too personal and I was seeing red. It’s never a good idea to wave red in front of this Taurus.

In retrospect, I can see he was just being a smart-ass and probably didn’t really mean anything by it. But, I still couldn’t understand why he would ask that of me.

A day of somewhat self-indulgent shopping and lunch ruined, I casted for an answer during my drive home.

So, what does it feel like to have cancer?

To me, cancer felt like a parasite. It was slow and invasive but still persuasive enough grow. Eventually, it takes over the very atoms of the body, consuming the person until it’s impossible to live. During this process, the mind is devoured as body is no longer under its control. Together, the person becomes a mass that is unrecognizable to herself and pitied by others until, eventually, death incurs.

Even if the person somehow manages to survive, she knows she will never be truly whole again. The lingering fear of the cancer entity returning will haunt her for the rest of her life.

—— Or, a less wordy version….

Cancer is an illness that rapes the body of resources and forces it to produce a foreign substance. Its intent is to fuck the person in every potential way.

So, until I have cancer again, I think I’ll stick with those answers.
That’s what cancer feels like.