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I am * so * bashing my head in right now.

Jason received a response from the State on a job on TUESDAY..
– Serious yay. Hopes are suddenly high. I’m praying for the light at the end of the tunnel.

The State sent a spreadsheet and asked him to identify and explain what might need to be evaluated.
It’s a critical thinking exercise and probably nothing more than a paragraph or two.
——->> They SAID they would respond in two or three business days. That’s HUGE for a government agency to have such a quick turnaround time. This just boosts the hopeful feeling that they want the position filled and filled quickly. I’m thinking that they want someone hired before 2023 because of the state budget or something. This job COULD be it.

– Jason reviewed it and found some suspicious problems.
Okay. Great. He just needs to write it up.

AAANNNNDDD… nothing.

Okay. Okay.

Let’s examine.
It came in on Tuesday. He reviewed the assignment.
Did he write a rough draft? Nope.

Maybe he wasn’t feeling well or something. That could be a possibility. He needed to think about it and make sure he didn’t miss anything. I get that. This is IMPORTANT. But, a rough draft, at least, would have been helpful, I think.

Yesterday, Wednesday, was kind of an oddball day.
There was family stuff in the morning. He’s not a morning person and was probably a bit of a slog for him.
The generator was installed which was a bit of a pain. The guys were late, blew the water heater, and nearly set the house on fire.

Okay. Things happen.
I get it. He took some additional supplements last night. I saw him slip a couple of cough drops during the day.
He’s not feeling well. I get it.

BUT, all of the house and family stuff was over by seven or eight at the latest.
——- I had to prod and felt like I practically BEGGED him to write a rough draft.
Jason said that was * fair,* whatever that means, and … eventually… typed something.

I think he typed a rough draft. I hope he did, but I don’t *know.*
He spent most of the evening playing games on his phone.

We’re now on Thursday.

This means that, if he responded to the State today, he probably won’t get a reply until Tuesday or Wednesday.
Or, it could be later. It could be MUCH later as the government generally moves more slowly than a drunk turtle.


I am BEYOND the feeling of anxiety at this point.
There’s a GOAL. It’s right there. It could provide a lot of relief and answers and security.

Jason isn’t reacting or taking the actions that I would feel appropriate.

I’m TRYING to reason with myself.
* He knows about this sort of thing more than I do.
* This could be HUGE. It could be a forever job.
* He doesn’t want to blow it and is taking a measured approach.
* It’s just a day or two delay. What’s another day after going for nearly a F**KING YEAR without a job?
* He wants to write this with a clear head and not while feeling ill. He’s waiting for a good day or hour.

Trust.
There has to be trust in the relationship.
I told him I trust him. I believe that. I do trust him.

I’m just praying that trust isn’t being maligned or mismanaged.

No.
That can’t be possible.

Jason — knows — how much this means to me and, potentially, my health.
If his not having a job is playing into my mental and physical woes right now, he would strive to help and heal.
– He loves me.

Right?

Okay.

There is a metric s**t ton of perfectly valid reasons why he hasn’t responded.
We’re different people. The way he does things isn’t the way I do things.

I need to chill and trust.

But that is SO hard to do right now.

Faith. I need that too.
A lot of faith. It’s in my name. I need to have it.

Oh God, please let this work out.
I think I’m going insane.

Please. Please. Please.