I feel like I’m spoiling myself a little today.

Instead of jumping up early, often right when or before the cat starts to wail, I hid under the nice warm covers and slept a bit more.
For me, this means I snuggled up until around 7 or 7:30 instead of 5am despite hearing the cat.

I didn’t immediately jump on my classes and exercise bike. I dressed first before working on the classes.
There was work to be done, for sure, as the term ends tomorrow. But I didn’t feel panicked or that it was life-threatening. I delt with the stupid questions like Adrianna’s “Should I follow the template?” with grace.

Well, somewhat grace but probably with what she’ll consider a healthy dose of snide.
“Yes, when directions, like a template, are provided, it’s a good idea to follow them. This saves time, effort, and miscommunication.”

Freaking moron.

For the past three mornings, I’ve went for about an hour walk outside.
Yesterday, I was so cold when I was done that my poor hands were vivid red from the cold despite the gloves and shoving them in my pockets. Jason was awake when I came in and said he could feel the cold through my coat.

I’m actually not planning on going for a walk this morning.
I mean, I might. But it won’t be for an hour. After I get done with this post, maybe I’ll do some cleaning around the house instead or * gasp * settle down and start on a book. I have a backlog of books. Actually, it’s a long list that I’ll probably never complete or even remember. There’s a top five that are in recent memory and that’d be a good place to start.

There are also some games that I wouldn’t mind indulging in a bit. They’re lower on my priority list.

God.
Now the bike is squeaking with every turn.
Why can’t it work right? First it was the petals falling off on both sides. Now the squeaking. Jason is still trying to sleep in the other room. That’s got to be annoying after a while.

Really need to get some more WD-40.
I don’t know if I can live without it. Given my current state of mind and weather, I think I need a bit of exercise and a way to stretch out my arthritic hip early in the day.

I think this would be less stressful if I knew what the day held, which I don’t, although it is starting to be a bit — lackluster.

— And there it is.
If the computer is saying “snow on and off,” it’s probably ** not ** a good idea to go for a walk.

Anyway, I like to think that I can (with enough time) adjust to anything.
I’ve had a lot of adjustments that I haven’t been comfortable with over the past… oh, I don’t know… five to ten years.

For example, I didn’t want to move from mom’s house to this one.
I was comfortable, safe, and felt secure at mom’s house. I was kind of the master of my domain but knew that there was assistance if I needed it. I enjoyed and needed that security.

— Moving in with Jason in this house didn’t provide (and still doesn’t in some ways) the same feeling of security or control. I didn’t want to make the move and rallied against it as long as I could. Actually, probably till the point where it became ridiculous to do so. I didn’t want to leave the womb.

But, now I’m here. The security and feeling of mastery are certainly not as present as before but they are a little. The healthy fear of uncertainty, anxiety, and disassociation * is. *

This has been going on since early October. We’re now in late to mid-December. Those elements are still very present but starting to become dull.

I’m not satisfied with what’s going on or my place in it.
Not by a long shot.

I’m just becoming more accustomed to the situation.

Yes, a lot of this is self-imposed. I know.
It’s fight or flight and I’m more of a fighter. If I was flight, I would have never stepped foot out of mom’s house regardless of the urging, bribes, or threats.

Anyway, the computer says “snow coming.”

Yep. Seriously no walking at this point. I’m not feeling that brave.

———- BUT, Jason did have a job interview yesterday. It was for a small business that has been insanely successful despite Biden’s bull. It’s not a government job and through a temp service. Still, the interview went well and Jason actually seems excited. So much so that Jason actually said my name.

I find this important. Instead of “hey” or “babe,” he actually called me by my name.
I’m taking that as a favorable omen. I’m trying to latch on to hope without seeing hopeful. Oh, God, please.

Jason has to do something.
He’s got to get a job.

What does this look like for me, however?
— First, it will keep us apart. Being on top of each other every day all the time is absolutely suffocating.
Adding that when he is around, I focus on him and what I think his potential needs and wants are over my own.
Honestly, if we lived in New York and I had two years of Covid suffocation, I would be in a significantly dire mental state.

– The lack of money, of course, is a concern.
Again, I’m told that we’re comfortable and I have “nothing to worry about” at the present time. But the present is only the present so long. The future is imposing and ongoing. “Present time” is bull sheet. He’s got to get a job for income.

– His health.
Jason is only a year younger than I am. While he has great genetics and overall good health, he needs check-ups and his teeth cleaned badly. Insurance or the ability to afford insurance is ** needed. I want him to take care of himself, doubly so if something happens to me and I become crippled, the cancer returns, or there’s some other thing that happens.
— He needs to be physically and mentally capable. Not only for himself, but for me as well. I don’t know if he fully understands this or how much of a priority, I place on it.

– His potential.
I’ve always believed in him. He’s capable. He’s MORE than capable for most situations and certainly jobs. Once he starts, he’ll throw himself into it heart and soul, especially if there’s a worthy cause involved. Just idling is wasteful.

– His mental health.
Being around me all the time ** can not ** be healthy. He needs socialization. I think he knows that he can handle whatever a job will toss his way but knowing and doing are different. Being active, around others, and helping, is part of what he is made for.

— Again, back to me.
I’m struggling. I know I am and am seeking help. Tons of therapist appointments and a couple of doctor appointments are coming up. I’m TRYING. It would be helpful if I knew he was secure and doing his own thing instead of wasting his time waiting for me in the waiting room or feeling obligated to come with me.

I desperately need to get back to where I was before he moved.
I was ** trying ** to write a book. I was taking it seriously. I was actually reading and socializing.
I felt like I was struggling, sure, but was moving in a positive direction and had been for a good part of a year.

All of that has been obliterated. I guess I’m kind of in mourning now for what might had been.
For the progress lost on my life long ambition to write a book. For the time lost moving towards a more stable, although highly volatile, mental state.

Now, I think my keyboard is giving up the ghost. The space bar is going wonky.

Please God, please please please.
I want to be hopeful. I want both of us to advance. But I don’t want to be hurt.
Please let him get a stable JOB.

—– Anyways, I’m beating a dead horse.

RELEASE ME.
Maybe I can shift my mindset and go back to a more stable and simple set of worries.
Maybe. Hopefully. ?
Maybe I can focus on the therapists and whatever. I can make a focus on myself and my goals.
Maybe.

Maybe I would do that.
Maybe I wouldn’t at this point.

But I would have a choice. Or, at the very least, feel like I did.

Everything is an illusion.
As a professional phantasmolist, I know this in my heart.

Snow is still coming, and Jason should be up soon.
It’s amazing that the creaky bike hasn’t woke him. Well, it probably did. He’s in there reading the news or something.

He needs some alone time too.

Okay.
I’m out.