Every day brings its own brand of crazy.

Today should have been simple enough.
It should have been pleasurable. It should have been stress-relieving.
How many people can talk to their sister as a friend?

But, no.

Rather, in my poor attempt to explain my situation, I just became more aware of how desperate and pathetic I am and, by extension, my situation. Instead of being happy with my McAlister veggie soup, peacanberry salad, and unsweet tea, I went about stuffing my pockets with oyster cracker baggies and Splenda packets while over-sweeting my unsweet tea.

Guilt-racked that the little sister paid for the lunch, manicure, pedicure, and facial wax, I whined about my inability to hold my bladder, inability to sleep, therapy sessions, and nearly everything that I could think of. — Nearly. I could have easily continued about relationships, my job, and finances. Not to mention my lack of control, disorganized house, and lack of just general mental cohesiveness.

My well is endless.

I spared my little sister the full rundown.
We would have been there until close and I was starting to become antsy.
For some reason, I thought the temperature outside was dropping and, since there was food in my belly, I started to become horribly cold. It was time to start moving as I had sat still for at least an hour. That’s probably the longest that I sat still for anything for a while.

Even now, as I type this, I’m on the exercise bike.
I got to keep moving. My hip. My energy.
Peddling into infinity and not going anywhere.

Although, I’m feeling particularly tired this evening.
Not that it matters.

Becca said that a body needs to rest.
I agree. Body and mind are linked. A body unable to rest could be an indicator of a strained mind. And, by extension, a spirit on the verge of breaking. Then, what?

Emotional deadening? Death?

At one point, should I become a ghost, I thought it would be interesting to observe humanity.
I could keep learning and psychoanalyze. I could create stories about heroes and villains while, ultimately, acknowledge that they are the same. While I would be a ghost for a long time, there would be endless amounts of entertainment and enlightenment. I assumed that my mind would be intact, unaffected by old age or infirmity as those are attached to the body I would no longer possess.

Maybe, if I was lucky, Jason and others could join me and we would laugh and marvel at how humanity changed and predict how it could continue to change and become better. Humanity is a chimera in the making.


But, now?
No.

I can’t handle the continual trials, disappointment, and anxiety in my own life.
I couldn’t bear to watch humanity continue to crumble.

Sleep is for the weak.
Rest is for the dead.