Random update:

This morning, I’m back on the exercise bike.
This isn’t bad but a little different.

I started the bike in the mornings to help stretch out my hip while looking at classes. Since the term is over, I’ve been trying to take morning walks instead. I find this immensely more helpful as it negates more of the anxious energy and feelings I experience through the course of a day.

But, for this morning and the unforeseeable future, mornings have dropped down to 20 degrees.
This is simply too cold and my hands freeze. For this morning, I’m trying the bike again although I feel that time would be better served scrubbing the bathroom.

The bike doesn’t get rid of nearly the same amount of energy and anxiety, but some is better than nothing.

However, it is nice to catch up on a couple of Youtube videos. Only a backlog of a couple of hundred go.

Yesterday, I finally went to the long awaited and much needed urologist.
The ability to control my bladder had become all but non-existent. The shame and embarrassment of the inability to control when to pee and how much is personally shameful and exceedingly worrisome. My cherished walks are safe as they’re early in the morning and I walk a stretch of all but abandoned road. If I needed to pull down my pants for a pee, it was relatively safe from prying eyes.

But, should I be with Jason or in a public place… not so much. Helplessness and shame became constant and twin companions for any action. I think Jason is understanding but only to a point. He’ll hold my phone while I do my business but I know that it must be frustrating and worrisome for him as well.

So, the urologist trip was very important to me.

First, I wasn’t dismissed and told that I needed to gain weight or change my nutrition. They seemed supportive and allowed me to move on to ‘step two’ of the doctor’s typical process.

— His first step is that he tells patients to lose weight, not drink alcohol, and stop smoking.
Since I don’t need to lose weight, drink, or smoke, I was able to move to step two.

— This is physical therapy and medication.
I was able to start medication yesterday. While told it would take two weeks to fully become active, I should start getting some sort of relief in a couple of days. In a world that is crippled by when I need to drop my pants, any small feeling of control is more than welcome. Besides, it’s just one little pill a day and a quick search show that it’s 99% effective although some side effects could be troubling.

Therapy could start within a week or two weeks. That depends on insurance and scheduling. I have little doubt the insurance will cover it. In the mean time, I’ve started researching pelvic exercises that could strengthen the muscles in the bladder area. This leads me to yoga – which is something I was trying to self-teach years ago.

I’m rather happy to return to it as I found yoga and platies to be calming and challenging. This could just be the excuse I need to achieve a long-term goal. If I can stick with it, of course.

I tried to do a little last night and don’t remember the floor being so hard and uncomfortable. I’ve also aged at least six years from my last attempt and it’s a bit colder. It’s rough but hopefully I’ll continue to try. I think that any possibility of help and thinking of disappointment from Jason will be enough to endure the floor. Hopefully.

— Should medication and therapy fail or he feels the need for additional information, a more invasive tactic will be used. This step means that I would have to undergo testing for bladder stones, kidney stones, and potential stitches left over from the cancer surgery that could be causing issues.

— Finally, if needed, more drastic measures would be needed.
I’m not sure what these are but probably are gross. Hopefully, it won’t come to that.

———— But, I have been diagnosed with irritable bladder syndrome and have a doctor who, at first blush, seems to know what he’s doing.

I’m SO THANKFUL.

An adult woman shouldn’t have her life ruled by when she has to take a piss.

At least, after nearly six months of suffering and increasingly loss of control, I’m finally getting some help.

Truthfully, all of this should have happened back in September/October but I was busy, stressed, and not in a healthy place as Jason had just moved from Florida to here.

While I’m at it, another annoying but embarrassing thing is therapy. I have a case worker, two therapists, and (soon) a life style coach. Group sessions are also a possibility and I’ve attended a couple as an observer.

Again, embarrassing and disappointing, but it is some sort of action to help bring balance and control back.
It also, in most cases, gets me out of the house without Jason.
– While I love him, I need time away. This 24/7 co-habitation continues to be difficult and detrimental to me at times. I find it hard to be independent and some version of ‘me’ when I feel the need to be constantly concerned about him.

This isn’t his doing.
It’s mine but it’s there and I can’t seem to change it. I guess that’s part of how I view love.

Anyway, just some hours away once or twice a week is rather liberating. The idea and hope that he could be employed within the next couple of weeks is overwhelmingly good.

I know that it won’t solve all of my personal doubts, depressions, and anxiety, but it will go a long way towards remedying them. Maybe, after a while, it’ll help negate some of this (potential) PTSD that I’ve been experiencing given how (the therapists think) I’ve linked my current situation to what caused my bought with anorexia to start with — the loss of control and overwhelming financial insecurity.

I recognize and cherish that I have more support this time than last time. I shouldn’t feel insecure. But, I do as I feel guilt for relying on others when, again… I’m an adult. I should care for others and do my part when I’m not and can’t to the degree that I feel I should.

I guess some of this stems from parents who tried to instill discipline and morals on their children.
Go figure. It’s a good thing that those things are on the decline in the current generation, isn’t it?

Bottom line, I guess, is that I am starting to get some help.
Controlling the piss thing, Jason getting a job, having a little time to myself, and therapy are difficult, could fail, and generally be a waste of time.

But… it’s something.
That’s better than nothing and suffering.

Now… spring.
Hell, I’m encouraged at the Valentine Day stuff that’s appearing in stores. It shows the advancement of time which means that winter will be over and, hopefully the continual and constant body aches will subside. I can go walking again.

The cold has been more trying on me than I would ever admit. I’m just not used to it and, despite thinking I was prepared, I woefully missed the mark. Mentally, I can handle it. In the middle of the night and under the covers (along with everything else and aggravated by multiple runs to the bathroom for a piss), does not leave me in the best physical or mental condition to improve.

But… again… hopefully… Jason will have a job within in the next week or two.
The medication will help control the bladder.
I can continue to learn how to do yoga for better pelvic control.
The weather could become warm enough for walks.

——- Although class starts next week. (groan). But, income! Very important.

I’m trying.
I’m really trying.