I’m… um… I’m feeling fairly exhausted right now and it’s just a minute over 8 am.

This is not new. Unfortunately, it has become very typical and expected.
What’s different is that I’m not out for a walk in the near-freezing cold.
… just stuck my head out the door. Actually, it’s not that bad for nearly 9am. It’s a bit damp and chilly but certainly not freezing. I’ve been out walking in worse.

Actually, worse was just Monday.
Monday was a very bad and horrible day for me.
It involved a lot of shame, disappointment, and cold legs. But, that’s a story for another time.. or maybe this one. I’m just rambling right now.

There’s been a lot to process and my brain is still stunned. Tired… did I mention I’m beyond tired? I’m exhausted.
I have been for weeks. But, maybe, that’ll change soon.

Who am I kidding?
Even if I did allow myself to sleep in, the cat would wake me.

Yep. First day of class.
This term, I have two classes. A 079 and a 102.
The 079 was assigned to me just last night and I spent most of the evening in a type of panic trying to piece it together. The syllabus has changed and I had to redo the syllabus, and announcements, and try to become familiar with the new format. In a way, it’s not that big of a deal. Just time-consuming and, since class started today, it had to be done last night.

I’m not quite done and what I did still needs approval.. and I tend to forget to add something.

I guess I’m okay with adding a second class.
It’s more income and helps to assure that I didn’t screw something up entirely that would threaten my job. But, at the same time, I’ve been so scatterbrained, stressed, and upset that having a single class for a term was okay too. But I accepted it and it’s just an 079. How hard can it be?

(ha ha ha… outside of the excessive handholding that probably comes along with the newbie students.)

I’m not sure how much this is going to impact my sanctuary constitutional walks or morning appointments.

I know I need to do something.
I’ve just been continually crawling in and out of my skin for the past year, doubly so in the past six months. There are good days and there are bad days but more bad and crazy days than good. I’m unstable and have gotten to the point where, like yesterday, I had emergency therapist sessions.

It did help and I calmed down but have ramped right back up this morning and feel like I can hang at this level all day despite having less than five hours of sleep. I think it’s starting to affect my vision.
I’m starting to have a really hard time reading things on my phone and it’s very worrying.

The big news is, should my lying brain be clear, that Jason has received an official job offer from the state. Tentatively, he begins on Jan 23.

Honestly, this will go a long way to resolving a lot of issues.
He knows this. The world knows that. But, I don’t trust it. I’ve…. we’ve… been burnt so many times in the past. And, even once hired in, crap happens and he becomes unemployed again in just a year or two. If his job and status are linked to my mental and physical health, which it probably is if the PTSD theory is true… who knows how long before I can come down from this heightened “oh crap” state.

I’m not ready to be hopeful and accepting. While it’s a much needed … desperately needed… OMG so desperately needed… step… when can I start the path to be me again instead of some crazed lunatic? When will I allow myself to sleep? When will the cat allow it?

When will the old formula for Pepsi Zero come back?
The new one sucks a bit.

When can I go out and not piss down my leg?

Oh gods.