I should be happy.
If not happy, at least moving towards satisfied.

Jason has * finally * procured a job. It’s with the government and starts on the 23rd.
The little sister is moving form Indy back home.
Mom is happy. As far as I know, baby brother is happy and healthy.

Yes, the weather is cold but we’re approaching the back end of winter. Valentine’s Day merchandise is coming through and, soon St. Patricks. It shouldn’t be cold for to much longer if I can just continue to hang tough.

Everything is paid for. The house is secure, although not fully unpacked, and I have two classes. While I’m not thrilled about that with all of my therapist appointments I’ve been going to lately, it is income and, maybe, even disposable income at some point. Maybe.. just maybe… I won’t be so Grinch like when it comes to whipping out a debit card. I’m not holding my breath, but it could happen.

Jason and I visit the gym at least once week and, all in all, everything is good. As good as can be expected. Bordering on great maybe. Providing his job starts and it’s ‘real.’

I’ve started seeing a doctor about my frequent bathroom runs and am striving to become strong mentally and physically. It’ll be a long road, but I’m on it.

Soon, I’ll actually be able to plant a garden. Grow flowers.

It’s the reality and trust that I’m having trouble with right now.

I should be happy.

But, I’m not. Not really.

I think part of it is sleep.

Once the cat wakes me at his usual three to four am, I’m having increasingly trouble going back to sleep. I just forge through the morning playing games on my phone. Eventually, I feel like I’m wasting my time and strive to straighten the house or get on the exercise bike.

A couple of days of this are concerning. A week is worrying. Two weeks plus, where I am, is dreadful. But, still, I’m unable to rest. I’m not sure why.

I feel dizzy sometimes but also light. The body feels like it is made from air and it’s actually pleasant. I enjoy it. Not the dizzy part but the lightness.

I find that I’m having increasing trouble with reading and concentrating.
For example, a student sent me her life story yesterday. I read it but didn’t understand it. I should. It was well written for what it is. But it just didn’t register so I didn’t reply back to her yet.

Since class has started, I’m concerned about the cohesiveness of my posts. What if they make since to my addled brain but not to anyone else?

Although I haven’t re-read it, I think one of my recent blog posts is probably a logical mess. I’m sure it doesn’t make any sense but it did at the time. As of right now, I lack the courage to revisit it to see.

But, still, despite all of this, I can not rest.

— I think this post is doing well, however. But I’m actually a little cognitive right now.

I think I’m becoming personally irrational and still… I can not rest.

I don’t know why.