By all accounts, or most of them, I should be satisfied.

Mom is healthy and sassy. Baby brother is doing well. Little sister has all but moved home.
It * does * actually seem Jason will start his new job on Monday. As an added bonus, he’ll be staying in Indy for three days of training. That means I’ll have a bit of unexpected ‘me’ time.

I sincerely hope to have the motivation to empty out some of the moving boxes that have hung around for the past four months while he’s away.

On Monday, I start physical therapy to help strengthen my pelvic/bladder area, so I don’t piss down my leg so much.

To add to the sweetness, Jason seems to be pleased to return to work.
He was fired from the IRS nearly a full year ago – on Valentine’s Day last year. It was a personal blow and here he is – starting again.

So, I’m blessed with positives.

That leaves the question.
Why don’t I feel blessed? Where’s the hopeful, enlightened, and near euphoric feeling that I should be having right now as a lot of personal goals and, hopefully some insecurities are being filled?

I think I’m tired.
The multiple hours of therapy, concerns from family, apparent struggle with food and regaining control continues to be a struggle and tiresome. The efforts that I put forth, like eating everything from when I went to a restaurant with my sister, went unnoticed. It almost feels like they negatives receive attention over any positives no matter what in my situation.

Yep.
That’s got to be it. I’m just tired. I haven’t slept truly well in over a month and I don’t have anyone else but myself to blame.
I keep thinking that Jason should put his arms around me while I’m sleeping. That could help. But, for some reason, I’m also thinking that he finds me nearly physically repulsive.

I’m not sure where I get that feeling from. He certainly hasn’t shown, said, or expressed it.

Patience.
I just need some patience.

Everything is getting better.
I just need to hold on.