This past weekend.. was great.
It was probably the best I’ve had in a long time.

Jason and I actually made it to the State Fair.
I mentally steeled myself for the $6 teas and $5 corn on the cob. While frugal, I didn’t allow myself to become upset that we didn’t use a coupon discount to get in.
The weather, in the low 80s, was beautiful. We rode the Ferris wheel ($15 for five minutes) and I allowed myself to enjoy it while it shortly lasted. Despite wearing new glasses, I didn’t have any headaches. When we got home, eventually, we had Red Lobster.

Overall, an enjoyable experience followed by a day of running errands and then Sunday dinner with the family after that. Then, gym.

The term, which has been particularly fraught with BS, was over.

So… yeah… overall… a good day.
Good weekend.
Good company.

But Monday, Jason needed to go to the doctor for a consultation.
I’m really apprehensive and I think I slept less than normal – which isn’t a lot to start with – but half that.
So I dusted the house for a while. Rowed for a while.

But I got to the point where I could feel my brain start to hemorrhage my thoughts. It felt like I was bleeding out all rational thought because I was so tired.
I know what this feels like. I’ve been here before.
I also wanted to be fully cognitive during the doctor’s appointment.
– I’m greedy and want more weekends like the one I just had and I * need * to know what (if anything) is going on with the man I’ve spent over twenty years with.

So, I took a nap.
The cell phone was in my lap and I thought it would wake me as I passed out on the couch.

But I slept through it.

Jason didn’t make it to the doctor in time and had to reschedule.

And I’ve been blaming myself for a moment of weakness all day.

I know Jason isn’t a morning person. He never has been.
I knew he needed nagging and prodding to get moving in the morning and, while I did eventually start to do so, it was too late.

And now we got to do it all over again.
He will miss more work, which isn’t professional in the slightest.
We still don’t know (if anything) what’s going on and it’s been a particular pain in the butt to even schedule an appointment with this doctor.

All of this was just because I had to take a nap.

I find that inexcusable and have been reaming myself all day.
I had a moment of weakness that should not happen. I had to take a nap.

That should not happen.
Doubly so on an important day… It took a lot of ‘persuasion’ just to get Jason to go to a doctor.

So… um… yeah.
I don’t think I can be happy without self-sabotage.
It’s my fault.

And I am still so tired.

Very, very, tired.