I scared myself yesterday.

Typically, in a daily life of an anorexia, it started with breakfast.
Instead of having my usual, I went with half a cup of egg whites.

I tend to adore egg whites but had cut them out of my diet. Inspired by Jason’s willingness to change because of being a diabetic, I decided to have some.
I justified the calories/protein although I didn’t need to. I know they’re excellent and avoid my current phobias of seed oil, processed flour, and sugar. Although I had them plain, they where tasty and I immediately wanted more – which I denied myself, of course. 

Off he went to work and I to the gym for a couple of hours before the chiropractor.
- It’s easier to be adjusted once the body is flexible from some cardio. Stretching out muscles beforehand plays a significant role, I think. Or, at least, that’s what Audrbry has been telling me. 

I got home early and didn’t have lunch.  I try to make it a habit of eating at the same time every day.  So, I waited and did a little more on the ski machine in the back room. Not much. Just a little to attempt to improve on my twig-like arms. I’ve been alarmed at how difficult it is to open heavy doors lately and wanted to focus on some biceps. 

Around that time, I got a text message. Dinners coming!
Oohhhh I couldn’t’ wait. For some reason, I had been craving some steamy shrimp. Not from Red Lobster. That’s never warm enough. But from the microwave when it’s so hot that it nearly burns my throat. It just tastes

So, I waited and did the rower for a bit. I watched Austinland on Hulu (? I think?). The movie sucked.
Then, I went back to the ski-erg and watched most of Batman: Death in the Family. 

Hours passed. 
I became upset, sick, and anxiety driven. I still did not eat and pushed myself to exercise just a bit more. 
– Jason has a doctor appointment today and I didn’t think I’d get much in. So, I justified the extra time yesterday as a pay-it-forward for today. 

Thankfully, little sister brought dinner around 6 instead of 8 — and I was famished. Mostly starved, dizzy, and on the cusp of insanity, the broccoli, chicken, and shrimp — once properly heated — disappeared in short order.

But… yeah… I scared myself. 
If dinner hadn’t arrived when it did, I don’t know what would have happened to me as, stubborn as I am, I wouldn’t allow even a celery stalk in favor of dinner. 

Sometimes, I guess, anorexia just takes hold.
Everything is proper and logical at the time – but, in reality, it doesn’t. 

If I hadn’t had egg whites for breakfast, would I have approached the day differently? 

I don’t know but, unfortunately, I do know that I would self-inflict that ordeal again.
Not any time soon, but I would, could, and probably will. 

It’s a personal test of will.
Self-denial can build piety and self-esteem. Ask any monk. 

And I’m absolutely fucking crazy. 
This is why I’m in therapy and probably will be for the rest of my life.