What a way to spend valentine’s day.

I’m in St. Francian hospital, room T524. 
I guess it’s a nice enough room but I can’t see out the window, my back hurts, the bed is uncomfortable…. 
I’ve been unhooked from the IV drip and have been running to the bathroom myself… which sets off the sensor alarm on the bed and sends people in here running.  I’m in a better mood but still fawn Bambi weak. 

It’s just very frustrating to rely on others and not know what’s going on.

I’m worried.
I might have kidney failure or problems, a fracture in my spine, and I’m feeling like I’m being forced to eat which makes it just that much harder to eat.  I’m paranoid that I’m not going to get my work done although that should be the least on my list. 

I’m just a wreck and heavily relying on my mom and Jason which causes so much guilt as they just kinda sit there and stare. 

I’m just not happy when I should. I am being cared for. But I’m just not happy about it. 

It’s stupid. 
I know it’s stupid. I know I need help.  But when the staff laughs at me ‘ha ha. it happens to everyone…’ i just lost it. 
It doesn’t happen to everyone and when I piss my hospital pants I shouldn’t be told that it’s okay. It’s cold, disgusting, and wet. Certainly NOT okay. 

I’ve told my boss at Bryant and my students what’s going on, limitedly. Hopefully, they’ll be patient with me.
I’m absolutely paranoid that I’ll lose internet connection and my laptop will lose charge. 

There’s just so much to be afraid of right now. 
I can’t stand it. I can’t stand to be in my head or outside it. 

I’m crazier, creeping more towards the edge per minute, per second. 
I don’t know what to do but I can’t cry. I don’t have the tears or energy in me. 

Yeah, take this with salt.
I’m RANTING.  I’m trying to clear out my head.
This isn’t a sign of self harm or anything like that but just rambling.  An attempt to vent. To relieve anxiety in a healthy way. 

Believe that.
Last thing I need or want is suicide monitoring.
I don’t know how much more insult I could take if that happened.

For some reason, I’m desperately hungry.
Hopefully breakfast will be here soon.