Every day has to be a challenge.

It’s tiring. Frustrating. And silly.
— Today’s challenge is cantaloupe and honeydew.

There was half of a large container that was going bad. It expired today and the melon chunks were becoming mushy. They’re kinda expensive and I like them. So, I added some no-salt salt, some low-fat whipped cream, and ate it. All of it.

And the eating disorder voice in the back of my head flipped out.

Again… It’s more than food. It’s the feeling of losing control. The rational part of my mind — knows — it’s not bad. It’s good carbs. I’ve done well today staying active and cleaning the houses. I’m actually feeling hungry again. I know that I should have the protein drink and it’ll be bedtime soon.

Still… tomorrow is a challenge as well, but it’s of a different nature. I’m actually going to drive myself to Indy. It’s the longest and most alone time I’ve had in months. Mom and Jason feel confident that I’m strong enough to take the hour plus journey by myself to the Center. The medicab, which is what I have been poorly enduring, wanted to pick me up four hours early for my appointment at 1.

Since it doesn’t get out until five, I was – really – apprehensive about wasting the day there just sitting in my thumb for the most part of it. So, the powers that be decided that I could drive.

I’m rather pleased but a bit apprehensive. I’ve driven that far alone, of course, but not after the Ward and not before that for a while.

The purpose of the drive could also be a challenge. It’s my first day of IOP (Intensive Out Patient) for anorexia. I know that there will be some sort of carby snacks involved that I won’t be able to avoid. But I’ll also have to participate.

While I’m rather proud that I was kicked out of group therapy in the Ward, I’d rather not be at the Center. I won’t allow myself to be censored either.

Some good and not-so-good people pushed me to the head of the line to attend. Outside of places like the House, it’s supposed to be the best place for people like me.

I don’t want to disappoint or feel like I fail those who love me.

So should I just be quiet? Passive?
That’s not me.

I don’t know. Just don’t know.
Challenges abound and, hopefully, I won’t be lacking. Praying that the five o’clock traffic home won’t be bad.

After everything, all I’ll want is to see J as soon as possible.
I’ll need some coddling.