I’d be lying and not lying if I said I wasn’t apprehensive about tomorrow.

Tomorrow is the PT scan to determine if I possibly have lung cancer.

I’m fortunate that my little sister fought for my insurance to resume. I’m blessed that my mom will be taking me as I’m not 100% sure what type of mind set I’ll be in after eight to ten hours of fasting and a hefty dose of radiation that comes along with the test.

I’m lucky that my job doesn’t have set hours and, if needed, I can just blank out for the rest of the day.

If I have cancer again, I’m willing to accept it. If I don’t, I don’t.

Personally…. I think that I do. I think that my body wants to create and cancer is a demented form of creation. Hopefully, I’m wrong. But if it is, it is. It’s caught early (I think) and I’m capable of taking on the burden.

Actually, I’m more annoyed about my would care situation. I was sent to a Seymour hospital since my hometown has a wait list of multiple months. But, apparently, I need a surgical consult. The Seymour only has a single would care doctor and he’s on vacation for the next two or three weeks.

I was referred back to my hometown’s care where I will be placed on a waiting list. My primary care, which is usually 110% on top of everything, is lagging. They wanted to refer me back to Seymour which can’t help.

The Seymour nurse said I need care as soon as possible as the wound could double. Right now, it’s fine. It’s not infected, but it is on my spine. It can be infected. And, if it isn’t drained via some sort of potential minor surgery, the skin could erupt, and I’ll have two places instead of one.

This would double my chances of being infected and double the heal time.

If I have to have a cancer operation and everything…. this could cause some complications and unneeded risk.

The apparent simple issue – wound care – seems to be complex. The PT scan, which should be more complex, seems simple.

I also have some mysterious red bump on my toes. Mom says it’s a corn or arthritis. I see the primary care on the 17th. I need to remember to bring that up in case I need some sort of operation for that as well.

Actually… I know this is bad… but I’m kind of grateful for all of these issues.

It’s keeping me busy. I feel like I’m more in the moment. I’m getting attention and it’s providing additional reasons why I need to care for myself.

Bad, right? I know. But there it is.

It keeps me distanced from what may happen after the election, the potential pain from the cold, and flashbacks from what happened last year…. ERs for dehydration… psyche wards…. hospital stays….

I’m dreading the cold.
The frost is going to hurt.

Sneezles…. the house isn’t quite the same. It’s more quiet, I guess. Feels a little empty, but that’s to be expected. It’s an adjustment.

I don’t know if it’s good or bad not to have a pet.

But it’s definitely a change.