The anxiety is starting to creep back in.

Over the past couple of weeks… maybe even a month… I’ve been managing it well. It’s almost been a golden month.

I think I’ve had a better attitude. I’m still struggling with sleeping. But it’s getting better. I’ve been making it a point to eat a lot of protein, even if I’m not hungry. Although I still favor my safe foods, I’ve been actively trying to incorporate more variety.

I’ve even been doing things that I outright rejected or hesitant about doing. Just the other day I went through some old clothes. I actually tossed a few. Dish towels…. I have some new ones that have been safe and pristine for a year now while I continue to use the ripped up, faded, bleached ones. Sure, they look horrible but perfectly useable.

Don’t wonder why I do something like that. I can’t answer. It’s like how I’ll continually wear socks until the hole for my big toe is so uncomfortable that I could nearly cry.

I have socks. I have towels. I have clothes. A lot of the time, they still have the price tag on them. I know I need them. Get them. Then, don’t use them.

Just don’t even think about it.

I guess the main thing is that I was trying to change a bit.

I * think * I was trying to become more healthy mentally. Physically, maybe.

But it’s a cycle. It’s a circle. Once I start to go up, I feel like I’m going to go down.

I think part of it is the class.
We’re in Week Six. I have 29 students. Instead oof disappearing, as many tend to do, 27 are still active and have habitually turned in their assignments. The couple of sleepers are starting to wake and I could be carrying a nearly full load all the way to the end.

*** This is * highly * unusual.

Typically, about a quarter or a third of the class becomes ghosts by now.

It’s Friday. Assignments are due on Saturday. Only four have turned in the draft. So, I’ve got roughly 23 drafts waiting to come in. If they each take about half an hour to an hour to grade, that’s quite a bit of work. That doesn’t take into account the other assignments that are due and the ping-pong back and forth with the really “”” challenging “”” students.

Like J.R. who has been really um… lackluster, b*itches about her grade, but absolutely refuses to change anything – even if I spoon fed it to her.

It’s like she intentionally wants to get it wrong. She just turned in her “draft.” Previous assignments are NOT the draft. She * actually * has to write something. If I’m lucky, she’ll select some AI to do it for her.

Since the college doesn’t have an AI policy in place, it’s okay right now. She should take advantage of it and safe me a lot of time.

Anyway, it’s not like the future of my employment is dependent on this, right?

I know it’s Friday and assignments are due on Saturday. Tons will come in about 11pm, probably. But the students NEED TO TURN STUFF IN NOW.

I think I’m going to lose it if they don’t. I can’t handle having the anticipation and then the crushing work after.

Yes, I know I can handle it. I’ve done it before. I can clear off most of Sunday to do it.

All of that is rational.
It’s reasonable.

But they need to come in NOW so I can do other things later – like handle the fallout from all of the fussy students who really just don’t get it or just don’t care.

Course, Week Seven and the end of the class is just around the corner – thank goodness. But that means that there’s wrap up and I need to prep the next term’s class — should it ever appear.

Fortunately, I did so well last term that I got a class for this coming term. But if this term tanks, the next term could be yanked. It’s a double jeopardy type of thing.

So, here I am stressing. Fussing. Waiting.

Rather, I wanted to expand on the baby suppression post. I looked up the formal definition and qualification of genocide and part of it is ‘imposing conditions to reduce or eliminate births.’

I feel like I was on to something bigger there.

But… not. I’m waiting and waiting and waiting….

TURN STUFF IN YOU $($($%$ STUDENTS>